Based on emotion regulation research by Stanford University psychologist James Gross and others, there is scientific proof for why you feel suddenly exhausted after meeting certain people.
During the meeting, it was normally fun.
You weren't told anything mean. You didn't have a fight. You smiled to match the other person, and the conversation was lively.
Yet, the moment you part ways, you are hit with a wave of exhaustion.
When you get home, you don't want to talk to anyone. You don't have the energy to reply to LINE messages. You sit on the sofa and can't move.
We sometimes call these people "energy vampires."
That intuition isn't wrong. However, psychology can explain it much more specifically.
The biggest characteristic of people who exhaust you is not that they are negative or talk too much.
It is that while you are with them, you are constantly managing your own emotions.
You make sure not to look annoyed. You ensure they don't feel rejected. You choose words that won't spoil their mood.
You aren't just talking to that person. While talking, you are performing as another version of yourself.
This article is written based on emotion regulation research by Stanford University psychologist James Gross and others. I have verified the four cited papers down to the journal, volume, and page numbers.
Before we get into the main topic, one quick announcement.
I am currently giving away a 120-minute video on "Complete Mastery of Instagram x Content Sales."
Get it here:
👉https://utage-system.com/line/open/kVVp89lnbKa5?mtid=DNs9phnmOfRQ
1. The true nature of the fatigue is not the conversation
Gross is a leading expert in emotion regulation research.
At the center of that research is "expressive suppression."
Expressive suppression is the act of inhibiting the outward expression of emotions that are already occurring within you—not letting them show in your facial expressions, voice, or attitude.
You smile even though you were actually hurt. You pretend to be calm even though you are angry. You act interested even though you are bored.
Here is the important part.
Even if you erase the expression, the emotion itself does not disappear.
Research shows that while expressive suppression reduces outward emotional displays, the negative emotional experience remains intact.
On the other hand, "positive emotions actually become harder to feel."
The unpleasant parts remain, while only the fun parts fade away.
You smile on the outside while remaining vigilant on the inside. To maintain this gap, your brain and body keep working.
The exhaustion hits the moment the conversation ends because you were maintaining that tension until then.
▶️ What you can do starting today
・Recall one recent conversation that left you tired.
・Write down one thing you "tried not to show on your face."
・Check if your memory of the fun parts is faint.
Not making a sour face is different from not feeling sour.
2. Hiding your emotions even raises the other person's blood pressure
There is a study from 2003.
Pairs of women who were strangers to each other were shown emotionally evocative videos and asked to talk about them.
Some participants were instructed not to show their emotions through facial expressions or attitude during the conversation. This instruction was not shared with their conversation partner.
The results were as follows:
In conversations where someone suppressed their emotions, the natural flow of communication was disrupted.
And, "not only the person suppressing their emotions, but also their conversation partner showed an increase in blood pressure response."
It's not just the person suppressing who gets tired. The person talking to someone where they "can't tell what they're thinking" also faces a burden.
You say "I'm fine" with words, but your voice is stiff. You are smiling, but your eyes aren't.
Humans cannot ignore these tiny inconsistencies.
When we can't read someone's true intentions, we try to fill in the missing information.
Are they angry? Was what I just said bad? Do they dislike me?
In this way, the work of guessing the other person's emotions increases.
You are processing the conversation content, reading the other person's mood, and adjusting your own reactions.
In one conversation, you are doing three jobs.
It would be strange if you weren't tired.
▶️ What you can do starting today
・Check if the "task of reading the other person's mood" occurred during the conversation.
・Recall if there were times you were monitoring your own facial expressions.
・Put into words which of the three jobs was the heaviest.
You're tired not because you're bad at conversation, but because you're doing three jobs.
3. "Tired even though I don't dislike them" is not a contradiction
When talking about people who are exhausting to meet, many people say:
"But they aren't a bad person."
"In fact, they are liked by those around them."
This can also be explained.
A 2009 study tracked students entering university.
It found that "people with a stronger tendency to suppress emotions tended to have lower levels of social support, intimacy with others, and satisfaction with social life."
However, there was no strong correlation with whether that person was "liked" by those around them.
In other words, "there are people who are pleasant and have a good social impression, but are difficult to connect with deeply."
They aren't rude. They can hold a conversation. They seem calm.
Yet, it doesn't feel like your true selves are connecting.
That's why you get tired even though you don't dislike them.
You don't need to blame yourself, thinking "Maybe I have a bad personality" or "Maybe my communication skills are low."
Likability and a sense of security are two different things.
▶️ What you can do starting today
・Stop judging exhausting people as "good or bad."
・Separate "being liked" from "feeling safe."
・If self-blaming words come up, stop them right there.
Being pleasant is different from being able to relax your heart.
4. That person is making you perform a "safe version of yourself"
In front of what kind of person do we tend to suppress our emotions?
Typical examples are:
・If you express a slightly different opinion, they take it as a rejection.
・If you decline something, they get moody.
・They immediately turn the conversation back to themselves.
・Their mood changes suddenly, so you don't know what the "correct" answer is.
・If you tell them you were hurt, they correct your feelings by saying "you're overthinking it."
When you are with such a person, you start performing as a "safe version of yourself for them" rather than your true self.
The version of me that doesn't get angry. The version that doesn't say no. The version that always understands. The version that laughs off being treated a bit poorly.
And the more you perform, the more the other person learns that "this way of interacting is fine."
The relationship becomes maintained by your endurance.
This is why the fatigue grows every time you meet.
The first time, you were just being a little considerate.
The second time, you reproduce the "pleasant self" you created last time.
From the third time onwards, your body gets tense even before you meet.
Nothing has happened yet, but you are already tired.
▶️ What you can do starting today
・Give a name to the role you play in front of that person (e.g., "The Girl Who Never Says No").
・Count how many of the five points above apply.
・Check if you feel tension before meeting them.
The more you perform, the less the other person will change their way of interacting.
5. Suppressing emotions even thins your memory of the conversation
Emotional suppression affects not just your mood, but also your memory.
A 2000 study found that people who listened to information while suppressing their emotional expressions "had lower memory of the content than those who did not."
It is thought that the brain's processing power was used up by constantly managing facial expressions.
This can happen after a dinner or a gathering:
"We talked for hours, but I don't really remember the content."
"It was supposed to be fun, but I can't recall what we talked about."
This isn't necessarily because you weren't listening.
It's possible you were using your processing power to monitor your own face, voice, words, posture, and the other person's reaction while listening.
You seem to be participating in the conversation, but in reality, you are "managing the conversation."
That's why the information doesn't remain, and only the fatigue does.
▶️ What you can do starting today
・Try to remember what you talked about with that person last time.
・If you can't remember, suspect the amount of facial expression management you were doing.
・Try writing down which people you remember conversations with and which you don't.
Not being able to remember the content isn't necessarily a memory problem.
6. You don't have to immediately label an exhausting person as "bad"
Caution is needed here.
Just because you feel tired after meeting someone, don't immediately conclude they are a "harasser," "narcissist," or "energy vampire."
Fatigue in human relationships isn't determined solely by the other person's personality.
You might have been sleep-deprived. You might have lacked mental bandwidth due to work. You might be bad with large groups. There might have been a status difference, making you more nervous than usual.
These factors also cause fatigue.
Furthermore, the meaning of emotional expression changes with culture and situation.
It's not as simple as saying expressing your true feelings is always healthy and suppressing them is always unhealthy.
In situations where harmony is prioritized, suppressing emotions functions as etiquette or consideration.
A 2007 study compared people with Western values and those with Asian values, suggesting that the social consequences of emotional suppression may vary depending on cultural values.
However, "this was a comparison within the US and was not a study targeting Japanese people specifically."
The problem isn't temporary consideration.
It is chronically and unilaterally erasing yourself only in a relationship with a specific person.
▶️ What you can do starting today
・First, check your own conditions (sleep, bandwidth, number of people) among the causes of fatigue.
・Distinguish whether it was a one-time thing or happens every time you meet that person.
・Try describing the situation without using diagnostic labels for the other person.
One-time fatigue is a condition. Every-time fatigue is a structure.
5 Things Happening in an "Exhausting Relationship"
① You are swallowing what you want to say and only fixing your facial expression.
② While conversing, you are simultaneously monitoring the other person's mood and your own reaction.
③ When you convey a small sense of discomfort, you are corrected with "you're overthinking it."
④ The relationship runs on your endurance, so the other person doesn't change their way of interacting.
⑤ You are tense before meeting, so you are tired even before anything happens.
10-Point Self-Check: "People you can be yourself around"
□ I have expressed a opposing opinion in front of that person.
□ I have declined something.
□ Silence isn't awkward.
□ I don't have to force a facial expression.
□ I can remember what we talked about after meeting.
□ My body doesn't get tense before meeting.
□ I don't have to say "I'm fine."
□ No "unsaid words" come to mind later.
□ I can decide the frequency of meeting myself.
□ I feel like I can fix it later even if I say something weird.
If you checked 7 or more, you aren't erasing yourself in that relationship. Even if it's 3 or fewer, it's not a problem. This is "a story about the structure of compatibility, not a story about your ability."
Summary: Look at the role you are playing, not the other person
Work during conversation
→ 3 jobs: Conversation + Guessing mood + Monitoring self / Only 1 job: Conversation
Emotions
→ Don't show them / Can show them as they are
Positive emotions
→ Harder to feel / Feel them as they are
After meeting
→ Can't remember content / Content remains
Before meeting next time
→ Body gets tense / Nothing happens
What you can do starting tomorrow
・Write down one "thing you didn't say" from a recent exhausting conversation.
・Next time you meet, try expressing just 10% of that one thing.
What to do within a month
・Reduce either the duration or the frequency of meeting.
・Try saying a small "no" once and see the other person's reaction.
Long-term goals
・Look at people by separating "likability" and "security."
・Gradually increase relationships where you don't have to erase yourself.
You don't have to choose between cutting ties or enduring and continuing to meet.
Change 3 hours to 1 hour. Change every week to once a month. Meet in a group instead of one-on-one.
Just by changing the density of the relationship, the burden decreases significantly.
And look at the reaction when you show 10% of your true self.
If it's accepted, the relationship can be nurtured. If it's pushed back, you can just adjust the distance.
Security isn't about always being told kind words.
It's your body knowing that no matter what reaction you have, you won't be immediately punished.
The fatigue after meeting isn't your body speaking ill of you.
It's a report saying, "In this relationship, there is too much work involved in suppressing myself."
You don't have to ignore that report and try to smile better.
Human relationships aren't about how long you can stay together.
They are about how much you can stay together without erasing yourself.
Finally
For those who register, I will introduce the steps to generate income while interacting with people without erasing yourself.
I am currently giving away a 120-minute video on "Complete Mastery of Instagram x Content Sales" 🎁
Get it here:
👉https://utage-system.com/line/open/kVVp89lnbKa5?mtid=DNs9phnmOfRQ
Reference Research
Butler, E. A., Egloff, B., Wilhelm, F. H., Smith, N. C., Erickson, E. A., & Gross, J. J. (2003). The social consequences of expressive suppression. Emotion, 3(1), 48-67.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12899316/
Richards, J. M., & Gross, J. J. (2000). Emotion regulation and memory: The cognitive costs of keeping one's cool. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 79(3), 410-424.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10981843/
Srivastava, S., Tamir, M., McGonigal, K. M., John, O. P., & Gross, J. J. (2009). The social costs of emotional suppression: A prospective study of the transition to college. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 96(4), 883-897.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19309209/
Butler, E. A., Lee, T. L., & Gross, J. J. (2007). Emotion regulation and culture: Are the social consequences of emotion suppression culture-specific? Emotion, 7(1), 30-48.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17352561/
This article provides general information based on psychological research and does not diagnose specific individuals or relationships. The cited studies were conducted with overseas participants and not specifically Japanese people. Results vary by individual and effects are not guaranteed. If you experience persistent fatigue, low mood, or feel your safety is threatened, please consult a medical institution or professional counseling service.
