After scolding a subordinate, a junior, or your own child, have you ever held a "solo reflection session" on your way home or in bed?
"Did I say too much?" "But if I don't say it, they won't understand."
I know that heavy feeling at night all too well.
Many people believe that "scolding fixes people."
However, a famous analysis integrating 607 research results (Krueger et al., Columbia University, 1996) shows a surprising result. In more than 38% of cases, feedback such as warnings or pointing out mistakes actually lowered the recipient's performance.
Nearly half of all scolding is counterproductive.
So, what makes the difference?
In Ginza for 30 years, I have seen countless "scolding moments." I've seen top executives correcting their subordinates at the club, and I've made my own mistakes as a "Mama" scolding the girls.
And I can say this for certain: A dignified woman does not simply know strong words. Before she scolds, she decides what she will not do.
I want those who think, "I'm not the type who can get angry, so this doesn't apply to me," to read this. This isn't about how to get angry; it's about protecting relationships with people who matter.
I have narrowed it down to five points backed by research data. By the time you finish reading, your perception of the word "scold" will have changed.
1. Do Not Scold on the Spot
A dignified woman's way of scolding begins before the scolding even starts. She does not open her mouth the moment she feels irritated.
We often hear that "it's better to let anger out than to bottle it up."
However, this has been clearly debunked by experiments.
In an experiment published in a social psychology journal in 2002 by Bushman of Iowa State University (a psychologist who studies anger and aggression), the behavior of 600 subjects immediately after getting angry was compared.
One group hit a punching bag while thinking about the person they were angry with. Another group sat quietly for two minutes doing nothing.
The group that vented had the highest anger levels and subsequent aggression. The calmest group was the one that did nothing.
Anger does not disappear when you let it out. The more you express it, the more it grows.
When I was younger, I didn't know this. I once scolded a girl in the heat of the moment, and her smile disappeared from the next day onward. I realize now that what I vented wasn't just anger, but her sense of belonging.
Reprimands driven by anger are not guidance; they are venting. And venting is like adding fuel to a fire.
▶ Practice
- When you feel irritated, just say, "Let's talk a bit later." Scolding can wait until the anger has cooled.
- When you feel like speaking out, wait two minutes in your heart. Doing nothing is the best way to extinguish the fire.
2. Do Not Scold in Front of Others
Even if the content of the scolding is correct, if the location is wrong, everything is ruined.
No one has ever felt refreshed watching someone else get scolded in front of everyone. Just watching it makes our own hearts shrink.
In fact, that feeling is reflected in the numbers.
In an experiment published in an organizational behavior journal in 2009 by Porath et al. of the University of Southern California (management scholars who study workplace incivility), they measured the work performance of people who witnessed someone else being reprimanded.
These were not the people being scolded. These were 74 people who were just watching.
Even so, the number of correct answers on word puzzles dropped from 5.79 to 4.82, and the number of ideas generated decreased from 9.74 to 7.88.
The poison of a reprimand spreads not only to the person being scolded but to everyone present.
In Ginza, this is clearly visible. A CEO who comes to the club with subordinates might yell at them at the table. In that moment, the air at the table freezes, and the expressions of the girls harden.
Conversely, truly top-tier individuals do nothing but support their subordinates at the club. If there is a correction to be made, it happens the next day, at the office, one-on-one.
Scolding in public destroys ten people while trying to fix one.
▶ Practice
- When you have a warning, change the location by saying, "Can I have a moment?" It can be the hallway or in front of the restroom; the important thing is to be one-on-one.
- Conversely, praise in front of others. Remember: "Praise in public, scold in private."
3. Scold the Action, Not the Personality
Now, let's talk about the words. A dignified woman does not use "you" as the subject when scolding.
Instead of saying "You are sloppy," she scolds "today's tardiness." She scolds the action, not the person.
There is a charming experiment that shows how big this difference is.
In a study published in a developmental psychology journal in 1999 by Dweck et al. of Stanford University (a world-renowned psychologist for "mindset" research), they compared the words spoken to 67 preschool children in failure situations.
Children who were scolded for their personality ("I'm disappointed in you") began to evaluate themselves as "not a good kid, not smart," and their persistence in challenging the next task dropped significantly. Children who were warned about their actions ("Let's think of another way") did not get discouraged and instead began to think of solutions themselves.
The same failure, the same adult—the only difference was the direction of the words.
Adults are exactly the same. When I scold the girls at the club, I decide to focus on "this action, today." If words like "always," "anyway," or "that's why" are about to come out of my mouth, I don't scold that day.
If you scold the action, the person grows. If you scold the personality, the person shuts down.
▶ Practice
- Before scolding, check the subject. If it's about to start with "You are," rephrase it to "Today's [action] was..."
- Ban the words "always," "anyway," and "why." The moment you bundle the past together, it becomes a character attack rather than guidance.
4. Not the Volume of the Voice, but the Temperature
After "what to say" comes "how to say it." And in fact, the latter reaches the other person first.
There is a study that could predict whether a surgeon had been sued based only on the sound of their voice.
In a study published in a surgical journal in 2002 by Ambady et al. of Harvard University (a social psychologist who studied first impressions), they cut 10-second audio clips from conversations between surgeons and patients and had people evaluate only the tone without knowing the content.
As a result, doctors with a stronger "authoritative ring" in their voice were more likely to be the ones who had actually experienced lawsuits.
It wasn't the content of the words. It was the temperature of the voice in just 10 seconds.
People decide whether someone is a friend or foe by their tone before they understand the content. No matter how correct a warning is, the moment it is placed on an authoritative voice, the listener's ears close.
In 30 years in Ginza, I have seen many ways of scolding. The words of those who raise their voices move people in the moment, but the people don't stay. The words of those who speak quietly, low, and slowly remain for years as "what I was told back then."
I was like that myself, and I've seen it many times...
A loud voice moves the moment. A quiet voice stays in the heart.
▶ Practice
- When scolding, speak a pitch lower and slower than usual. Think of speed and volume as a thermometer for anger.
- Decide on your first words. Starting with "There's just one thing I want to tell you" naturally makes your voice quiet.
5. Never Mix in Contempt
Finally, the most important point. Scolding itself does not destroy relationships. What destroys relationships is the "looking down" that gets mixed in.
Scolding while sighing. Laughing through your nose and saying, "I told you so." Listening with an exasperated face without making eye contact.
Gottman et al. of the University of Washington (a leading expert on marital relationships) analyzed the conversations of 79 couples and followed them for 14 years. It is a famous study where they could predict which couples would divorce with 93% accuracy based on signs in their conversations.
The dangerous signs cited were criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. Among them, contempt—the attitude of looking down on the partner—is considered the most serious sign.
It's not about what you said in words, but how you treated the other person in your attitude. The lifespan of the relationship was decided there.
The famous words of Isoroku Yamamoto (a Commander-in-Chief of the Combined Fleet known for the quote "Show them how to do it") have a continuation:
"Unless you talk with them, listen to them, approve of them, and entrust them, people will not grow."
Approval is needed precisely in the moment of scolding. Modern research is catching up to words from over 80 years ago.
Scolding does not destroy relationships. Looking down on others does.
▶ Practice
- Before scolding, remember one good thing about the other person before opening your mouth. Contempt shows on your face before it comes out in words.
- End with a word of "expectation." You haven't finished scolding until you say, "I told you this because I thought you could do it."
Summary
These were the five ways a dignified woman scolds:
- Do not scold on the spot — because anger grows the more you let it out.
- Do not scold in front of others — because the poison of a reprimand spreads even to those watching.
- Scold the action, not the personality — because the direction of your words determines the other person's future.
- Voice is about temperature, not volume — because people hear the tone before the content.
- Never mix in contempt — because it is looking down, not scolding, that destroys relationships.
Did you notice?
None of these five require strong words or a talent for eloquence.
They are all about "what not to say" and "what not to do."
Dignity is not about never getting angry.
Your dignity shows in how you handle your anger.
You can't change your sense of language immediately.
You can change how you scold tomorrow starting today.
May the words you use to scold become someone's protective charm 🌹
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This is a post where I, Nanae Mama, turn what I've seen in the nightlife world into lessons. I will continue to write, so please follow me from my profile. Quote posts are also very welcome 🌹
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