It's too late once they're already being bullied, I think.
That's my take on "bullying prevention" in parenting.
Hello, I'm Misaki Shimoda.
I'm often asked, "If you found out your child was being bullied at school, what would you do?"
My first thought is: it's too late if it's already happening.
It's not that "it's over and nothing can be done"—of course, how you respond then is a major crossroads—but the days they were bullied cannot be erased. The fact that they felt pain will remain for a lifetime, and if their heart is scarred, that stays too.
At that point, a certain period of their life has already been ruined.
In that sense, responding only after the bullying has escalated to the point where a parent notices is a complete late start. It's too late as a "prevention" measure.
I always say regarding sexless issues in couples that "it's too late to try to solve it after you're already sexless" (though there are steps you can take, you can't erase the past). Similarly, with childhood bullying, I believe you should be seriously cautious and take measures before it happens.
If a parent only notices after it has become complicated, it's already too late. Parents generally notice at a very late stage, and many might never notice at all.
That's a terrifying thought. I don't want my child to spend even a single second being bullied.
So, rather than "How should I respond if they are bullied?", I think it's far more important to think about 【How can I raise a child who won't be bullied in the first place?】
How to raise them with qualities that make them hard to bully. How to develop that "un-bully-ability." That's how I interact with my son every day.
Conditions of children who are easily bullied
I believe there is such a thing as ease of being bullied.
Setting aside the debate of whether the victim is at fault, while anyone can be targeted by chance, I think whether that bullying gains momentum depends heavily on how the person responds when targeted.
I've never been much of a "pack" person, so while I've fought one-on-one with classmates, I've never been involved in collective group attacks—theいわゆる "bullying"—and I've never been bullied (except for mean relatives!), so I might be unfamiliar with the reality of "the pack."
Still, from what I've seen in my life, a common trait among those who get bullied is being "someone who just takes it."
In other words, people who just endure.
They don't talk back, they don't counter-attack, they don't fight back, and they don't move to stop it. Those people seem to let the bullying gain momentum. It continues and worsens.
Conversely, people who become "a hassle" when messed with, or who strike back, or who immediately call an adult and make a scene, don't seem to get bullied at all.
Everyone probably faces some minor harassment during 15 years of group life from kindergarten to high school. I have too.
Especially in middle school when I was active in the entertainment industry and stood out, I faced some memorable harassment. But because I fought back with everything I had, the other party ended up regretting it. They thought, "I shouldn't have messed with such a crazy person."
It developed into a situation that embarrassed their parents, which must have been hard for them as a child, and they were likely scolded severely.
Naturally, harassment from the same person never happened a second time.
What I tell them to raise them as "hard to bully"
Based on my experience of 15 years in normal group environments, I've seen many times where I thought, "Ah, this kid looks like they'll get bullied," or "This person looks like a bully."
Based on that, to prevent my child from being bullied, I find these points effective:
Make fighting back, talking back, and counter-attacking a habit. Teach them that "just taking it is bad" and "screaming or crying to make a scene is the right answer!" Instill a culture of immediately reporting (tattling), and teach them that if they dislike something even a little, they should make a huge fuss to make it a "hassle" for the other person. This is the smart way to behave. Teach them strictly: "You must never just endure it."
I have raised my children with this policy for the past 9 years.
Fortunately (?), in our house, my husband teases our son, so parent-child fights break out daily.
In those moments, when my son chooses not to endure but to counter-attack, I praise him to no end.
My son gets annoyed even if my husband just puts his face too close. He'll attack, saying, "Your face is too close!! Stop it! 💢" Even then, I affirm and support my son.
"You didn't like it! Daddy is the one in the wrong for doing something you dislike!!"
Then, I scold my husband.
"Harassment isn't just about malicious actions. No matter what your intention is, if this child feels it's unpleasant, it's harassment! Since you started the harassment, you deserve to be smacked."
I fully support my son for expressing his unpleasant feelings.
(Note: As a premise, except for obvious harassment, it's important whether they have clearly said "I don't like this" at least once before. You shouldn't just punch someone suddenly because their face is close. But if they have a history of saying they dislike it and it's still repeated, then it's okay to take them down. The persistent one is at fault!)
Education that labels fighting back as "bad" is raising future victims
Generally, many families seem to teach "You must not use violence," "You must not attack," and "Just behave correctly."
They teach in the direction of "Do not fight." They say things like "Fighting back is what stupid people do" or "Don't sink to their level."
But I believe that leads to raising a victim who just takes it.
Of course, violence is bad and you shouldn't attack others. That's taught as a basic premise. But fighting back when attacked is an absolutely necessary self-defense skill to survive in the world of children.
Because the world of children is much more "insane" than most adults think.
It's insane because there are so many children in the world who are exposed to misfortune and hold deep dissatisfaction.
The world of children has bad public order
In schools, there are many children who are suffering: those who are told "you're just not trying" despite having low intellectual levels, those being abused or neglected, those who are always hungry, those caught in their parents' poverty, or those scolded with contradictory logic.
(The trend might change in private schools, but they have their own specific problems.)
The world of children is overflowing with irrationality caused by terrible parents.
So, there are plenty of children who attack classmates as a result of becoming delinquent or rough due to that stress.
When children are oppressed by adults, they often target creatures that look weaker than them to vent their frustration.
The world of children collapses in direct proportion to the number of "crazy adults," and it's not the logical world many parents imagine.
"If I live correctly, I can live in peace."
"If I don't attack others, I won't be a victim."
The world doesn't work on such pretty words.
Even if there are no special problems at home, children are selfish and unstable creatures just by being children. They are in a growth phase!
Children are naturally aggressive
Furthermore, even if they aren't "rough" or malicious, children can be naturally aggressive. Because they don't have "tatemae" (social facade), they can easily cause "accidental" bullying.
For example, if they think someone is "ugly," they'll say "You're ugly." If they are articulate, they might ask a genuine question like, "How can you live with a face like that? Aren't you getting plastic surgery?" They'll call someone with a frog-like face "Frog," a pig-nose "Pig," and a fat person "Fatty." General children dish out these natural attacks without necessarily having "bad intentions."
Living surrounded by such children, if you don't have the habit of 【not enduring and clearly expressing your unpleasant feelings】 when someone does something to you, you will be bullied, or even if not bullied, you will continue to be hurt.
Children are the type of creatures who, unless you say very clearly "No! Stop it!", will genuinely say, "Oh, you hated it that much!? I didn't know!"
Words to establish the habit of "tattling"
I always tell my sons, "Tell Mommy when something bad happens! I'll encourage, comfort, and cheer you up with all my might!!" and "Tell me when you have a pain, I'll do something about it!!"
Because he's raised this way, when something happens, my son immediately runs to me and gives a very clear self-introduction: "Waaaaah, I'm so pitiful right now!!!"
Because of that, I can immediately find out what happened and handle it. He reports even a single hangnail. Wonderful.
If this kind of communication is firmly established between parent and child, the possibility of discovering bullying early—at least in early childhood—increases significantly.
As puberty approaches, the version of this might change. But for the phase up to elementary school, the power to make a fuss on the spot and the mentality to immediately rely on parents or surrounding adults is vital.
A child who has that is hard to bully, and even if they are teased occasionally, the other party learns their lesson the first time, so it doesn't continue.
That's the first rough point, but there's one more thing I consider very important for raising a child who is hard to bully.
That is raising a cheerful child.
To raise a cheerful child
I feel that people who can tell jokes, create laughter in the moment, are playful, and have the courage to be silly are less likely to be bullied.
Regarding cheerfulness, of course, there's the child's potential and innate personality. Respecting that is a premise. However, from my experience parenting, I feel that depending on the parent's response, a child's cheerfulness can be expanded infinitely, or conversely, easily crushed and ruined.
My sons are quite cheerful, and while that's partly their personality, I can think of infinite instances where "if I had responded coldly, or yelled, or put them off, or handled them as a nuisance, this child's cheerfulness would have been lost."
I don't think many children are born with zero cheerfulness.
You can't tell a joke without the expectation that it might be funny. You can't be silly unless there's someone there to laugh.
Of course, once they reach a certain age, they need the skill to actually make people laugh, but if the parent's reaction is poor during early childhood, I think children lose the courage to act cheerfully.
And if they lose that courage, they won't be able to create laughter, regardless of their sense of humor.
Not just for bullying prevention in childhood, but in life as an adult, the power to make people laugh or the skill to turn things into a funny story is definitely an advantage that makes life easier. I want to be a parent who maximizes that in my children.
Of course, depending on potential, some might go from 0 to 5 while others go to 100. I'm not saying anyone can become a comedian depending on the parent.
However, a parent can help a child grow in their own way, and even if they don't reach 100, the difference between 0 and 5 is huge.
The three things I value for that are:
Being a sensitive parent.
Being a parent with good reactions.
Accumulating [responses that do not make the child shrink back](https://note.mu/shimodamisaki/m/mc2914147aa67).
Being able to create laughter is somewhat the ultimate strength.
From elementary school onwards, it's stronger to not just fight back, but to have the power to brighten the mood or turn things into laughter with cheerfulness. And above all, that's definitely cooler.
So, to make my children hard to bully, I ensure a home environment and parent-child relationship where it's easy to tell jokes! While valuing giving them the courage to act cheerfully, I am doing my parenting.
📕 There's more! Misaki Shimoda's "[Theory of Bullying](https://note.com/shimodamisaki/m/m9f75cd35a373)"
📘 [My Rules for Not Becoming a Toxic Parent](https://note.mu/shimodamisaki/m/mc2914147aa67)
10 things I'm careful about to avoid crushing my child.
📗 [My Rules for Becoming a God-Tier Parent](https://note.com/shimodamisaki/m/mc54d74832e50)
I want my child to have a "happy childhood" and become an "adult who can live enjoyably!" 10 highlights of my parenting style.
