When people think of morally harassing men, they often imagine someone who is:
Overbearing.
Shouting.
Dominant.
Looking down on women.
Trying to get their own way.
Treating their wives or partners poorly.
Many people have this image.
But the essence of moral harassment isn't just a bad personality.
Of course, that doesn't mean the abuse is excusable.
Verbal abuse, control, violence, and character assassination can never be justified.
However, behind these actions, there is often a very deep "attachment wound."
I believe the most significant factor is,
The relationship with the mother.
Morally harassing men were not loved by their mothers.
Or, to be more precise,
They were often controlled under the guise of "love."
On the surface, they were told:
"It's for your own sake."
"I'm worried about you."
"I love you."
"Only your mother is on your side."
But behind the scenes:
Their emotions were controlled.
They were bound by guilt.
They were forced to carry their mother's anxieties.
They were made to fill the role of curing their mother's loneliness.
They were forced to manage their mother's moods.
In other words, they were treated like their mother's property using the word "love."
I believe this wound later manifests as moral harassment toward wives, partners, and daughters.
Families Where "For Your Own Sake" Becomes Control
In dysfunctional families, the phrase "for your own sake" can become a tool of control.
"Because I'm worried."
"Because I love you."
"Because I'm your parent, it's natural."
"Because I know you best."
While saying these things, they cross the child's boundaries.
They ignore the child's emotions.
They take away freedom.
They control choices.
They plant guilt.
They make the child process their own anxiety.
On the surface, it looks like "love."
But in reality, it's a state where the child is being treated as property.
True love recognizes that a child is a different person from oneself.
But a controlling mother cannot do that.
She gets upset when the child has their own feelings.
She plays the victim when the child tries to distance themselves.
She gets jealous when the child treasures a woman other than herself.
She blames the child for being "cold" when they try to become independent.
In other words, in the mother's mind,
The child = an existence to satisfy her.
This creates a deep distortion in the son's heart.
Sons Are Sometimes Made to Play the "Mother's Lover" Role
Controlling mothers sometimes unconsciously turn their sons into a "lover substitute."
Their relationship with their husband is unfulfilling.
They cannot handle their own loneliness.
They lack validation as a woman.
They want to be cherished by someone.
They direct that loneliness toward their son.
"You're so kind."
"You understand me, don't you?"
"You're more reliable than your father."
"I'm lost without you."
A son told these things is forced to be the "man who supports the mother," even though he is just a child.
At first glance, this looks like being loved by the mother.
But in reality, the son's heart is in great pain.
Because the son wanted to be the mother's child.
He wanted to be pampered.
He wanted to be protected.
He wanted to be made to feel safe.
He wanted to be accepted unconditionally as a child.
Instead, he was forced into the role of supporting the mother.
In other words, the son wasn't loved by the mother; he was perhaps made into the mother's emotional processor.
Morally Harassing Men Suppress "Anger Toward the Mother"
Normally, it's natural to feel angry when being controlled like that.
It's painful.
It's heavy.
There's no freedom.
It's suffocating.
You can't live your own life.
So, in reality, they should be angry at their mother.
But a child cannot be angry at their mother.
They are afraid of losing her.
They are afraid of being abandoned by her.
"I wasn't loved."
"I was just being used."
"I was forced to carry my mother's loneliness."
It's terrifying to admit that reality.
So they suppress the anger.
And instead, they convince themselves:
"My mother loved me."
"I was the one who was bad."
"My mother was pitiful."
"I have to protect my mother."
Then, the anger toward the mother loses its place to go.
Suppressed Anger Is Directed Toward Vulnerable Women
Emotions do not disappear.
Suppressed anger goes somewhere.
But it cannot be directed at the mother.
Because there is a strong fear of abandonment there.
So the anger goes toward a safer target.
Wife.
Partner.
Daughter.
In other words, it goes toward women who are unlikely to leave them.
This is where moral harassment occurs.
"Ugly."
"Fat."
"You're useless."
"Women are stupid."
"Who do you think is providing for this life?"
They hurt them like that.
But the true target of that anger is not the wife.
Not the partner.
Not the daughter.
It might actually be the anger that could never be directed at the mother.
Moral Harassment Is a "Reenactment of the Relationship with the Mother"
Morally harassing men sometimes treat women poorly.
They deny their personality.
They make fun of their appearance.
They treat contraception or abortion lightly.
They use violence.
They intimidate.
They control.
But on the other hand, they are abnormally obsessed.
They don't accept breakups.
They are possessive.
They monitor.
They break down when the other person tries to leave.
They beg.
They suddenly become kind.
This part is quite deep.
In short, they harbor both control and a fear of abandonment simultaneously.
This is exactly the relationship they had with their mother.
They were controlled by her.
But they were also afraid of being abandoned by her.
It was painful.
But they couldn't leave.
They were angry.
But they also wanted to be loved.
They are now reenacting that unprocessed relationship with their wife or partner.
Morally Harassing Men Cannot Distinguish Between "Love" and "Control"
The suffering of a morally harassing man is that he doesn't know the feeling of being loved.
Being used.
Meeting expectations.
Satisfying the mother.
Being controlled.
Acting so as not to be abandoned.
He grew up thinking that was "love."
So even as an adult, it easily becomes:
Love = Control
Love = Possession
Love = Obsession
Love = Dependency
Love = Making the other person do what you want
Then, he can no longer see the other person as an individual.
A wife is a wife and an individual.
A partner is a partner and an individual.
A daughter is a daughter and a child to be protected.
Normally, it should look like that, but when boundaries are broken, the other person looks like an "existence to satisfy one's own emotions."
They See Their Wife as a "Mother Substitute"
Originally, mature love is about cherishing the other person while understanding they are a different human being from yourself.
But a morally harassing man, somewhere in his heart, seeks the unfulfilled relationship with his mother from his wife.
"I want you to understand."
"Don't abandon me."
"Make me feel safe."
"Validate me."
"Accept everything about me."
But he cannot realize this himself.
So his behavior toward his wife becomes contradictory:
Acting spoiled.
Being dependent.
Controlling.
Testing her.
Hurting her.
Checking if she still won't leave.
He doesn't want to cherish his wife; he tries to make her play the role of his mother.
But a wife is not a mother.
A wife has her own emotions.
A wife has her own life.
A wife does not exist to fill the husband's unprocessed mother-child relationship.
Boundaries Can Also Break Down Toward Daughters
This is a very painful part, but it cannot be avoided.
Men whose boundaries with their mothers are broken are likely to have broken boundaries with women in general.
Then, even toward their daughter, they may see her not as a child to be protected, but as an existence to satisfy their own emotions.
Being excessively dependent on the daughter.
Making the daughter praise him.
Seeking a female role from the daughter.
Disliking the daughter's independence.
Abnormally interfering with the daughter's appearance or romance.
I believe this is a state where the boundaries as a father are broken.
Originally, a father stands on the side of protecting his daughter.
He respects his daughter as a separate human being.
He supports his daughter's growth and independence.
But if the mother-child relationship within himself is not organized, the distance with women becomes confused.
That's why roles get crossed even in the relationship with the daughter.
A Man Who Was Truly Loved Can Become a "Husband to His Wife"
A man who was truly loved by his mother does not see women only as an existence to satisfy himself.
He can see them as individual human beings.
He can respect the other person's emotions.
He can accept a "NO."
He can connect without controlling.
He can love without being dependent.
He can tolerate the other person having a different opinion.
In other words, for the first time, he can become a husband to his wife.
And he can become a father to his daughter.
This is very significant.
Being loved by a mother is not just about being spoiled.
It's okay for me to be me.
It's okay for the other person to be them.
People can love each other as separate existences.
I believe it's about having this sense nurtured.
Without it, a man's approach to women easily becomes "satisfy me" rather than "love you."
The Cycle of Moral Harassment
And the scary thing is that this wound is passed down.
A child raised by a morally harassing man is likely to learn:
"Love = Control"
"Love = Endurance"
"Love = Fear"
"Love = Obsession"
"Love = Managing moods"
Then, the same thing happens in the next generation.
A daughter might feel that a controlling man is "love."
A son might suppress his anger toward his mother and direct it toward another woman.
In other words, unprocessed mother-child relationships are passed down in the form of marital and parent-child relationships.
That's why I believe what's truly important for recovery is to separate love from control.
A relationship that becomes painful is not love.
A relationship where freedom is lost is not love.
A relationship where your personality is destroyed is not love.
Trying to possess the other person is not love.
Because love is originally about the other person being able to remain as they are.
Abuse Is Not Excusable Just Because There Is a Wound
I want to state this clearly.
A morally harassing man may have wounds.
He may not have been loved by his mother.
He may have been controlled.
But that is not a reason to commit abuse.
Just because someone is hurt doesn't mean they can hurt someone else.
A wife, partner, or daughter is not a tool to heal his wounds.
They are not a substitute for his mother.
They are not a trash can for his anger.
Therefore, the person receiving the moral harassment does not need to carry the burden by thinking:
"He's pitiful too."
"I have to heal him."
"If I accept it, he might change."
His wounds are something he must face himself.
You do not need to save him until you yourself are broken.
Finally
The true identity of a morally harassing man might not just be a "man with a bad personality."
Of course, the abuse is unforgivable.
But behind it, there is often a wound of not being loved by the mother.
Or, more accurately, a wound of being controlled in the form of "love."
Controlled by the mother.
Used by the mother.
Forced to carry the mother's loneliness.
But unable to be angry at the mother.
Afraid of being abandoned.
So that anger goes toward the wife, partner, or daughter.
In other words, I believe moral harassment is also a reenactment of an unprocessed mother-child relationship.
Therefore, true recovery is not about controlling women.
It's about realizing the anger that could not be directed at the mother.
Separating love from control.
Becoming able to see women not as an "existence to satisfy oneself," but as separate human beings.
I believe that's where a person can truly become a husband and a father for the first time.
⬇️ The "Frog Phenomenon" that occurs after marriage
https://note.com/renren_acx/n/ndd18ec069876
⬇️ How to become happy through healthy romance—separating "love" from the "desire to save"
