This is about the theme: "A parent's words become the child's own thoughts." I personally love the concept of "reframing" taught by Mr. Tsubota, the author of Biri Gal, and I study it through his books and YouTube. I highly recommend it.
To put it very simply, reframing is changing the framework of your thinking by "looking at an event that occurred from a different angle." Let me explain in detail!
When test scores are bad
For example, let's say a child gets a bad grade on a test. As a parent, you might explode with anger:
"What are you doing! I told you to study properly! I'm even sending you to cram school! Do you know how much money we're spending?! 💢"
I really understand that feeling. When I was in elementary school, I went to SAPIX and once got a 26 on a geography test, and my parents got incredibly angry at me.
I think my deviation score (hensachi) was around 30 at the time. Because of that experience, I spent the rest of my life thinking "I'm bad at geography." I think that's quite a waste.
From this experience, I started to be conscious of reframing. You can't change the fact that "the score was bad," but you can change how you think about it.
If you reframe a bad test result:
- There is room for growth
- It's good that we found what you don't understand
- It's good that this wasn't the actual entrance exam
- Now we just need to review this part
Just by thinking this way, the child's perception changes completely. If you habitually use reframing in your daily interactions—treating failure not as "bad" but as "material to use for next time"—the child will develop that same thinking habit.
Reframing for a friend
This is a true story involving my 5th-grade daughter. At her dance lesson, there was a friend who was feeling down after being corrected by the teacher about a certain habit.
That girl seemed quite frustrated and started sulking, saying, "I'm just no good anyway." At that moment, my daughter reportedly told her, "The fact that the teacher corrected you means they are actually watching you properly," and added, "If they're watching you, doesn't that mean they have expectations for you?"
I was quite surprised when I heard this from my daughter. Reframing has naturally become part of her. Since I make a point of talking about reframing at home until I'm blue in the face, I think she picked it up naturally.
Afterward, my daughter said, "I think she was frustrated because she's good at dancing and hates losing."
She had become able to use metacognition to understand "why that person reacted that way." I thought it was truly amazing how children can learn to do this naturally.
Children copy their parents
Children naturally absorb their parents' "thinking habits."
Therefore, if you are always nagging and scolding, the child will learn that method of thinking. If they are constantly told "You're no good!", they might become harsh toward both themselves and others.
So, I believe it's better to be conscious of reframing and use words that help children feel positive.
Teaching school subjects is important, of course, but from a long-term perspective, conveying "how to think when you fail" might be even more important.
Check out this YouTube video for more on reframing ↓
https://youtu.be/aq2Md3vzrNo?si=o-nFmi0TkucbsrVT
I created an app that helps with reframing.
Anyone can use it for free as many times as they like, so please give it a try ↓
