I couldn't sustain a full-time job, so in the past, I chose part-time work. I thought I could manage if there was no overtime or holiday work. But my body and mind were still exhausted, and in the end, I couldn't keep going. I thought I should be able to handle "5 days a week, 8 hours a day."
Was it because I lacked physical strength?
Was it because I lacked willpower?
Everyone around me seemed to be working without any issues.
So, I struggled, thinking I had no choice but to build up my basic physical strength or toughen my mental state.
But the real problem lay elsewhere.
It wasn't so much that I couldn't keep up with working 5 days a week, 8 hours a day, but rather:
The problem was that my head was occupied by work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Even after leaving the office, my mind remained at the workplace.
I would ponder the "true meaning" of a comment my boss made a few hours ago. I would predict troubles that hadn't happened yet. Anxious about tomorrow, I would repeatedly imagine the worst-case scenarios. I was consuming my energy at home on my own.
There was an "invisible restraint."
Labor hours at the workplace are visible. However, the time when the heart is bound is invisible to everyone. It doesn't show up on attendance records. That's why no one notices, and I couldn't notice it myself for a long time.
Moreover, what I was doing wasn't preparation or countermeasures for work. It wasn't something I could use for anything; my thoughts were just spinning in circles—
There was never a time when I prevented something by continuing to think about it. Even so, the reason I couldn't stop was that by continuing to imagine the worst-case scenario, I was trying to make it a "mental preparation." Thinking continuously was my own way of self-defense to avoid being caught off guard.
Fear of being scolded. Fear of causing trouble. And the fear of being seen as "someone who can't do things properly."
To suppress those emotions, I was unconsciously obligating myself to keep thinking.
◾️ Two Things I Was Lacking
In the midst of my suffering, I finally realized something.
What I lacked was neither physical strength nor willpower, but the following two things:
① The ability to separate work from life
"Today is finished"—the power to decide this for yourself and give yourself permission. This was harder than I imagined. The feeling that "there might still be something I can do" interferes with drawing a line.
Now, after work, I make it a point to write down just three things I "did today." It can be "I went to work" or "I replied to an email." I focus on what I did, not what I couldn't do. I approve of myself instead of waiting for my boss to do it. When anxiety about tomorrow arises, I chant in my mind, "That is tomorrow's me's job."
As I became conscious of this, my mind became a little quieter.
② The ability to not make other people's problems my own
My boss's mood, my colleagues' behavior, the "intentions" behind their words. How much energy was I using trying to read those?
But if you think about it, those weren't my problems. If the boss is in a bad mood, that's the boss's problem, and the true meaning lies within the boss. No matter how much I think about it, I won't find the answer. The reason I still thought about it was the assumption that "it might be my fault."
The awareness of drawing a line and saying, "This is not my problem," was important.
◾️ True Rest Is Not Just Laying Your Body Down
To keep working, rest is necessary. But rest isn't just about lying down.
It's about driving work out of your head.
- The ability to separate work from life
- The ability to not make other people's problems my own
These two are not talents. They are things you can notice and practice little by little.
Are you also ruminating on someone's words right now?
