I was holding trash bags in both hands.
My husband's family home, where my father-in-law's mistress came and went, my grandmother with dementia lived, and my sister-in-law with intellectual disabilities would occasionally return.
In the middle of the night, as I packed trash bags alone, I thought to myself:
"If I don't do it, who will?"
At that time, I believed that was love.
I watched the press conference of Shoma Uno and Marin Honda regarding their ice dance challenge.
Mr. Uno said this in front of Ms. Honda, who was sitting next to him:
"Marin could reach the top in a few years even if she paired with someone else, not me."
"But I am the one who knows Marin's greatness best, and I want to convey that to everyone."
"That's why I definitely want to be the one by her side."
The hand holding my smartphone stopped.
The love I believed in that night while holding the trash bags and the love this 28-year-old man was talking about were completely opposite.
A man who says, "I'm no good without you," versus a man who says, "You are someone who can stand even without me. But I am the one who wants to be by your side."
When you are with the former, a woman is gradually worn away. When you are with the latter, a woman can feel fulfilled.
I stood on that "worn away side" for over 20 years. I mistook it for being loved and didn't realize for a long time that I was grinding down my own life.
From my late 20s to my 30s, my relationship with my husband was exactly the former.
"You're no good without me."
"I'll support you."
"If I don't do it, nothing will work."
I think I was maintaining the illusion of "being needed" by making the other person "someone who cannot be independent" and inserting myself into that position.
"I just wanted to be needed by creating a situation where they were no good without me."
The result was that my husband started skipping work, used living expenses for pachinko, and I ended up divorcing him, taking the children and leaving like a fugitive in the night.
The "I'll support you" type of love makes the supported person "someone who cannot stand."
And eventually, the one swallowed by the "relationship that's no good without me" will inevitably break.
Now in my 40s, I have been with my current partner for four years. At first, I was bewildered, wondering if it was okay for things to be this peaceful.
There are almost no situations where I think "I have to do it," and I'm never told "I can't manage without you."
At first, that looked like a sign of not being loved.
"I need to be needed more."
"I have to serve more."
When I noticed myself thinking that, I was startled. Oh, I'm still seeking the "love that makes the other person unable to stand."
I didn't know the love of being next to someone who can stand properly until I turned 40.
Mr. Uno's "I definitely want to be the one by her side" is not a word of possession.
"You can stand."
"I can stand."
"On top of that, I want us to stand together."
I felt it was a word of choice based on the premise of equality.
Both "I have to support you" and "I'm no good without you" might not have been love, but lines of codependency intended to make each other unable to stand.
To those who think, "If I just endure it, everything will go smoothly."
Isn't that endurance for the sake of "yourself wanting to be needed" rather than for the other person?
Love isn't about making the other person "someone who cannot stand." It's about "choosing to be by their side after respecting them as someone who can stand."
I still waver in fleeting moments.
"I have to be more useful."
"I have to be needed more."
I haven't completely broken free. But just being able to notice that wavering has made life much easier.
I definitely want to be the one by your side. I want to create a relationship where I can say that.
── Thank you for reading this far ──
To you who felt this article was about yourself:
▼ note Membership "Oryon's Room"
📚 Deconstruction Library Plan ¥980/month
・ Unlimited reading of all paid notes including this article (all 12 types)
・ Weekly limited essays (stories about what I am deconstructing right now)
・ Monthly deep-dive videos on the 12 types
・ Participation in the member-only bulletin board
For the same price as buying one single article for ¥980, you get unlimited reading of all 12 types plus limited content. If you're interested in the next one, the monthly plan is overwhelmingly better value.
👉 Oryon's Room
https://note.com/apt_puma4059/membership/join
── For those who don't know their type yet ──
▼ 3-minute free diagnosis + 3 major benefits (LINE)
・ Life pattern rewriting work
・ Action trigger design sheet
・ 12 types life pattern explanation guide
Oryon
