Before Saying 'Don't Throw!': How to Turn a 2-Year-Old's Frustrated Behavior into Words

One day... in our parent-child class, this happened. A 2-year-old was trying to put on their indoor shoes by themselves, but they just couldn't get it right.

Gradually getting frustrated, they finally tossed the shoe away.

The mother picked it up and offered it back saying "Don't throw," but the child said "No!" and threw it again.

So when the mother put the shoe away saying "You don't want to wear it then...", the child screamed "Nooooo!!" and got angry.

"Which one is it?!"

...you'd think (lol). The mom was also getting irritated. It's a situation where you almost want to say "Just stop already!"

But if we translate this child's behavior into "words", it looks a little different.

"I want to do it myself. But I can't do it well. I'm upset that I can't do it. But I don't mean I don't want to wear them. I don't know what to do."

That might have been their state.

So, how should we interact with such 2-year-olds?

Understanding the developmental background and being able to comprehend the child's behavior helps reduce parental irritation and increases your options for interaction.

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In this article, based on the developmental background of 2-year-olds and insights learned from speech-language pathologists, we will consider how to view "throwing" and "tantrums."

1 | Developmental Understanding: Not All Skills Grow at the Same Speed

This is called developmental imbalance.

Around age 2, children can do more things independently. They can walk, run, hold objects, and throw them. And their desire to "do this" becomes quite clear.

On the other hand, the ability to instantly explain states like "I wanted to do it myself," "I'm upset because I can't do it," "Please help me just with this part," or "That's not right" is still developing.

Furthermore, the ability to pause when frustrated or calm oneself down is also still growing.

Therefore,

"I want to do it!" exists. But

"How do I communicate that?" hasn't caught up.

Such situations occur.

Of course, not all tantrums or throwing behaviors can be explained by "language delay." There are various factors such as fatigue, sleepiness, sensory stimulation, and difficulty switching tasks.

However, cases where "wanting to communicate but being unable to" intensifies frustration are common.

2 | If Not Throwing... What Should They Do Instead?

Regarding the child with the indoor shoes earlier. The behavior of throwing objects certainly needs to be reduced.

However, instead of just stopping the throwing, it is important to teach an alternative behavior that can be used instead of throwing.

What we want to teach there is very simple words. For example,

"Help"

If they tried to put on their shoes themselves but couldn't, saying "Help" means an adult will assist them slightly.

If a toy is stuck, say "Get it." If a container won't open, say "Open." If they want more, say "More."

We empathize with the child's struggle, patiently teach them how to express it with words, and gradually increase their vocabulary.

3 | Creating Routes Other Than 'Crying Solves It'

For instance, suppose a child cries "Waaah!" because they can't do something well. If adults immediately do everything for them every time,

Struggle → Cry → Adult solves it

this experience accumulates.

This isn't about "spoiling" them. From the child's perspective, they simply learned that "this method works to communicate."

So, let's create another route.

Struggle → Say "Help" → Get assistance

If they can't yet say "Help," adults can help while adding the word for them, like "You need help, right?"

And when they manage to say "Help" themselves, respond properly. Using words communicates. Using words solves problems.

That experience itself is crucial.

When they speak, don't just fulfill the request; also pay attention to the fact that they used words.

4 | Actual Changes in Behavior

Now, what happened to the child who threw shoes mentioned at the beginning?

I advised the mother to try teaching simple request words like "Help" and "Get" in daily life.

To enable them to ask for help with words when struggling. In other words, we increased solutions other than "appealing through action."

After 1-2 months, the behavior of throwing objects disappeared both at home and in the classroom.

Of course, this is just one child's progress. It doesn't mean "Teaching 'Help' eliminates tantrums for all children."

But it left a strong impression on me.

This child wasn't a "child who throws things," but perhaps

a child who didn't know how to ask for help when struggling.

Thinking this way changes what adults can do.

5 | Is the Foundation for Communication Built Before Teaching Words?

This is something I believe is extremely important.

Just because you want to increase vocabulary, repeatedly demanding "What do you say?" "Say 'Help', right?" "Come on, say it" can turn communication into a "test" for the child.

Words are originally used because you want to convey something to someone.

Therefore, I believe it's crucial not only to teach words themselves but also to observe what the child is looking at, what they are trying to do, and what they are trying to communicate.

6 | Methods to Build the Foundation for Communication

A helpful reference here is the Inreal Approach.

In Inreal, rather than adults unilaterally imposing instruction, we value attitudes such as waiting quietly, observing closely, trying to understand the child's intent, and listening to non-verbal signs.

Based on this, we verbalize what the child is doing and slightly expand the words the child has spoken, nurturing the interaction.

In Japan, there are case studies showing that interacting with children by reading the intent behind their actions according to Inreal principles transformed behaviors previously seen as "fixations" into points of connection with adults.

Of course, since these studies have limited subjects and research designs, we cannot claim the same effect applies to every child.

However, first receiving what the child is trying to communicate and adding words to it.

This concept is very useful in everyday parent-child interactions.

7 | Look at What the Child Sees First, Not What You Want Them to See

For example, while walking down the street, a mother spots a police car and points saying "Look! There's a police car!"

But at that moment, the child was looking at the dog in front of them.

In such cases, first verbalize what is in the child's line of sight, saying "There was a doggy, wasn't there?"

Even this alone creates an exchange of "I see the world you are seeing too."

From there, the child looks at the adult. The adult responds.

These small back-and-forths accumulate to become the foundation of communication.

In the classroom, I often see parent-child pairs missing each other in this way.

8 | Language is Like a Water Gun

I sometimes explain language development using the analogy of a water gun.

The water in the tank is vocabulary.

The nozzle is mouth movement.

And the trigger is the desire to convey something to someone.

Even if they understand a lot, the ability to pronounce may not yet catch up.

Conversely, even if they can speak words, if they lack experiences of "wanting to tell someone" and "getting a response when telling," language as communication may not grow easily.

So it's not just about saying "Try saying it!"

Verbalize what the child is looking at. Add words to the child's actions. And ensure that when they communicate, it gets through.

By increasing experiences of "Words are handy" and "I want to try communicating again,"

I believe this is creating an environment where language grows easily.

Summary: 3 Things to Remember When Troubled by 'Throwing Objects/Tantrums'

If you are struggling with your child's difficult behavior, please screenshot this and remember it when your child is acting out.

✔ Think "What does this child really want to say?"

Instead of just looking at the behavior of throwing, crying, or biting, try translating the feelings behind the action, such as "Help," "Get," or "I wanted to do it myself."

✔ Teach alternative behaviors to use instead of throwing

Increase simple request words usable when struggling, such as "Help," "Get," and "Open." It's important to provide alternative ways to communicate, not just stop the behavior.

✔ Increase "experiences of being understood" before forcing speech

Add words to what the child is looking at. Respond when they communicate. These small exchanges lead to "Let's try using words."

Facing children inevitably leads to frustration. The more you endure trying to be gentle, the more you explode one day.

Actually... I was the same.

Why I was able to let go of frustration and become a mother who trusts and waits for her child—I summarized that process in a roadmap.

Also, based on psychological and neuroscientific insights that helped me personally, I distribute 10 items including booklets and sheets you can use starting tomorrow.

I packed in my "I wish I had known sooner."

▶ Receive the '7-STEP Roadmap to Let Go of Parenting Frustration and Guide Healthy Growth'

For those meeting me for the first time. As a teacher in early childhood education and as a mother, I share what I have learned and noticed while interacting with children ↓

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