In my mid-30s, I finally realized I was incompetent.
More accurately, it wasn't that I lacked ability; I was just someone who wanted to do everything.
If asked, I accepted. If it looked interesting, I tried it. If someone was in trouble, I meddled. If I found a new book, I bought it. Whenever I saw a new side hustle, tool, or study method, I wanted to try it immediately, even if it meant abandoning what I was currently doing.
Looking back, I was nothing more than a "dopamine junkie."
I would scroll through SNS late at night, find an interesting post right when I decided to sleep, jump to YouTube, buy books on Amazon, and add "things I want to do" to Notion. By the next morning, whatever I had just discovered seemed more attractive than what I had planned to do the day before. It wasn't just weakness against temptation; every time a new stimulus arrived, the priority order in my brain flipped completely.
What was the result? I touched everything, and everything remained half-finished.
I wanted to produce 80-point work, but always ended up with 50 points. When my boss asked, "What happened to that?", I couldn't answer. There were LINE messages I needed to reply to and emails I should have sent, yet for some reason, my hands wouldn't move. I wanted to do them. I had to do them. But I couldn't.
Before I knew it, unfinished tasks piled up on my desk. Unanswered contacts filled my smartphone. In my head, "I must do this," and "I must advance that" were constantly running. It felt like having 20 tabs open in my brain at all times.
This phenomenon is close to what psychology calls "attention residue." A 2009 study by Sophie Leroy showed that when switching from one unfinished task to another, attention remains on the previous task, lowering performance on the next one.
In other words, opening 20 tabs in your brain doesn't mean you can give equal effort to all 20. Every time you switch tasks, the attention available for the current task gets eroded. No wonder thinking becomes heavy.
My past self thought this was action power. Light-footedness. Taking challenges. Not missing opportunities. Successful people surely grow by handling volume like this. I praised myself for it, but now I understand.
That wasn't action power; it was runaway behavior.
The tricky part was that the more I created a "To-Do List," the faster this runaway accelerated. I wanted to start a side business. Study AI. Learn English. Strength training. Read books. Grow my publishing. Travel. Start new projects.
The more I wrote, the more excited I got. But the time and concentration available to my real self hadn't increased.
Actually, neuroscience research distinguishes between feeling "want" (anticipation of reward) and feeling "pleasure" (consummatory reward). Dopamine is deeply involved in the motivation to seek rewards.
This means the excitement of "I want" or "I'd like to" does not necessarily align with whether you will actually be satisfied by doing it. Finding a new book excites me. But the pile of unread books grows. Thinking of a new project makes me thrilled. But the pile of incomplete projects grows.
By the way, "dopamine addiction" here isn't a medical diagnosis but a state of chasing new stimuli too much. Dopamine itself isn't bad.
For me, the problem was making the impulse of "I want to" the priority order of my life.
The To-Do list had become a demonic device that increased the tabs in my brain for dopamine junkies like me. So, I needed the opposite approach.
Make "what NOT to do" an iron rule, rather than "what to do."
I stopped building my life around things I wanted to do and rebuilt it around things I refused to do.
From there, I read books about how smart people use their time and work. After becoming a freelancer, I met many successful people. Through listening, trying, and failing, I gradually understood something.
Smart people ruthlessly cut out waste. More specifically, they narrow down what they do significantly.
We only see the finished output, so we think, "This person can do this and that. Amazing." But in reality, they are just finishing one thing at a time. Single-tasking, completing without waste, and moving to the next. That repetition looks impressive from the outside.
It's similar to eating.
Smart people eat cleanly. They savor one dish at a time, and the plate quietly empties. On the other hand, my past self poked chopsticks into everything. A little of this, a little of that. Before I knew it, the plate was a mess, and I didn't even know what I was eating.
Work was the same.
So, instead of thinking about what to do first, I started thinking about what NOT to do. Then, even when I thought of something new, I could judge, "It sounds fun, but it's not something to do now."
For me, putting these three specific items on my "Not-To-Do List" had the biggest impact, so I'll share them.
1. Things where my strengths don't shine
Weaknesses can originally be delegated to others. Dropped. Or escaped from.
Of course, minimal overcoming is necessary. But if you want results within limited time, you should consider how to leverage your strengths. It's wasteful for someone who sells well with writing to exhaust themselves on detailed administrative tasks. It's wasteful for someone good at public speaking to spend the whole day on behind-the-scenes coordination.
Recently, more tasks can be left to AI. Some can be handed to people. Changing environments is an option. Worst case, changing jobs is valid.
The key is not continuing to struggle in places where your strengths aren't utilized. Struggling in unfit areas erodes confidence despite the effort. This is the hardest part.
Personally, I used to want to be someone who could do everything. Writing, design, admin, tool setup. Every time I found a new skill, I thought, "I should learn this too," and jumped in. Of course, gaining skills is fun. But while spending dozens of hours overcoming weaknesses, the time to develop strengths disappears.
So, I stop when work like this increases:
- I can do it if I try, but it's abnormally tiring
- Even after spending time, it only reaches average quality
- There are clearly people better than me
- After finishing, my self-esteem inexplicably drops
Of course, there are jobs you must do due to responsibility. But trying to overcome everything increases "can-do" items but decreases time spent on "winning" items.
This applies to starting new things too.
There's an interesting tool. A new skill is trending. Someone is earning money with a side hustle. Touching such info makes you want to join. But pause and ask: "Does this really connect to developing my strengths?"
Just having this question allows me to skip many temptations. Trying new things isn't bad. You just don't need to make everything yours.
Instead of becoming someone who can do anything, reduce jobs that don't need to be done by you.
This alone closes many brain tabs.
2. Things that don't lead to results
Extremely busy, yet nothing progresses daily.
I was heavily pulled by this.
Acting for others. Caring for team members. Setting the stage. Being polite. Avoiding being disliked. Perfecting customer service. All important. But spending too much time on things not connected to required numbers or results won't raise your evaluation or make work easier.
I understand the pain of refusing to admit this because I feel I'm working seriously.
But the scary thing in work isn't slacking off; it's "time spent feeling like you're working."
Infinitely polishing document appearance. Overthinking reply texts. Kneading ideas no one has seen in your head. Starting without prioritizing.
It feels like work. But reality hasn't moved 1mm.
These tasks feel quite good because you get the sensation of "working properly."
For me, new projects and tools were particularly troublesome. The less progress made on current work, the more other things seem interesting. Thinking of new projects or testing convenient tools lifts my mood. But the actual work remains.
For example, if you want to grow publishing, you first need to finish articles that reach readers. Yet, researching new image creation or analysis tools consumes hours. Researching tools isn't bad. But if the goal is finishing articles, the order is reversed.
So recently, I check before starting:
- Does this lead to sales?
- Does this lead to evaluation?
- Does this lead to required results?
- Does this make future-me comfortable?
If none apply, it's not for now. Rest and hobbies don't need result-based judgment. This refers to work priorities.
I know doing everything is best. But I don't need to do everything now.
So, when I think of something new, I note it down. Finish current work, then reconsider necessity. Days later, I often realize, "I don't need to do this."
It seemed charming in the moment, but with time, I realize it wasn't that important.
You don't need to act the moment you want to.
Deciding "not now" is as important as deciding "do this." Since becoming aware of this, life became much easier.
3. Things contrary to my values
This hits like a jab later, making it troublesome.
Leads to results. Leverages strengths. Makes money. But somewhere, it contradicts my values.
For me: avoiding responsibility. Selling irresponsibly. Just increasing money. Feeling like deceiving people. Exaggerating non-essentials. Treating people roughly while taking shortcuts. These are such jobs.
Continuing such work increases superficial numbers but decreases mental balance.
No enthusiasm. Words lack heat. Work feels alien. Gradually hating oneself. People hate work if they continue betraying themselves.
People who read the air too much are easily eroded here. "Is it rude to refuse?" "Should I endure this?" "Should I do it since it pays?" Using time on things you hate drains motivation that shows up in daily work.
This was a big issue for me.
Accepting requested work makes me feel needed. New requests bring joy, especially if paid. But accepting everything leads to losing sight of why I work.
Did I want money? Help people? Use abilities? Or just fear refusal?
Essentialism states that if you don't set priorities, others will set them for you.
My past self was exactly this.
I wasn't busy. I was lazily handing over decision-making rights of my life to others.
Accepting all requests. Picking up all falling tasks. Believing inability to refuse makes me a "good person." Actually, I might have been avoiding choosing for myself.
Considering values and choosing what to accept is tedious. Refusing might disappoint others or lose income. So I accept immediate work. Escaping stress of refusal in the moment.
But continuing this makes me a convenient person for others, unable to use my best parts.
I think I was also swayed by immediate rewards here.
Of course, some jobs can't be refused immediately for living. But at least don't lose sight of "what I truly want." Don't accept everything just because it yields results, money, or praise.
Sometimes, deliberately not doing things protects what matters to you.
This is another item worth adding to the Not-To-Do List.
The "Not-To-Do List" is decluttering for the brain
Crucially, deciding what not to do isn't escape or abandonment of responsibility.
Aiming to be able to do everything makes you a convenient person. But focusing on your winning path makes you irreplaceable.
In your 30s, pushing through everything with stamina becomes hard. Staying up all night fixes things. Grit rolls back setbacks. Running through force works. Those 20s attitudes gradually stop applying.
Therefore, decide "what not to do" before "what to do."
I previously thought increasing desired things enriched life. Setting new goals. Starting new habits. Studying new things. Challenging new jobs. Filling schedules felt like progress.
But reality was opposite. More desires reduced focus on current tasks. Chasing new stimuli was fun, but at night, nothing was finished.
So I changed life construction. Decide what not to do before adding desires. The criteria are these three:
**① Things where strengths don't shine
② Things that don't lead to results
③ Things contrary to values**
When wanting to start something new, check against these three. Can I leverage strengths? Does it lead to necessary results? Does it align with cherished values?
Having these standards stopped me from jumping at every new stimulus.
To-Do lists increase future possibilities. But for those with 20 brain tabs open, they add more tabs.
Conversely, Not-To-Do lists close tabs one by one: "Not for me," "Not now," "No results," "Against values."
Thus, what dopamine junkies like me need isn't more exciting goals. It's a cage to say "I won't do this" to immediate stimuli.
The Not-To-Do list doesn't narrow possibilities. It's a cage preventing your life from being surrendered to trivial tasks.
Steve Jobs also spoke about the importance of saying "NO" to 1,000 things regarding Apple's innovation. I once thought this was high-minded executive talk. Now my perspective changed.
Focused people aren't strong against temptation. They reduce the number of battles against temptation.
Turn "not doing" into rules
Another crucial point is making "not doing" concrete rules.
Psychology calls pre-deciding "If X happens, do Y" as "implementation intentions." A 2006 meta-analysis of 94 studies showed such action plans help achieve goals.
For example, "Even if I think of a new project, I won't start until current one finishes; I'll just note it." "I won't answer requested work immediately; I'll check priorities first." Pre-decide actions when temptation arrives.
We can't always make calm judgments the moment we see something interesting.
Start by just recording. Diary, planner, Google Calendar, memo app. See where time went today. Check if items violating the three criteria slipped in.
If found, think "how to avoid next time" instead of "how to try harder." Delegate. Refuse. Quit. Automate. Postpone.
Increasing desires comes after.
Since deciding what not to do, controlling time became easier. New ideas don't require immediate action. Interesting jobs don't require acceptance.
This allows focus on current work. Completing abandoned tasks. Using time for truly desired things. This was huge.
Excitement of chasing new stimuli differs from satisfaction of completing important things.
I used to think more desires meant richer life. Now I feel deciding what not to do enables realizing true desires.
Letting go of unimportant things frees time for important ones.
Maybe you can't find desires because too many trivial things obscure them.
Don't reduce desires by deciding what not to do. Reduce everything else to realize what you truly want.
Beyond that, what remains is what you "truly want and should do." This is one conclusion reached by my incompetent self.
This account verbalizes daily growth themes. Following is encouragement.
https://x.com/antoshia2n/status/2108853697438728574
◾️Reference + Recommended Books
・Essentialism by Greg McKeown | Kanqi Publishing ・Start with the Issue by Kazuto Ataka | Eiji Publishing ・Time Management by Oliver Burkeman | Kanqi Publishing
