People who live by others' standards are in a state of "low self-esteem and high pride."
Have you ever had the experience where you interact with people thinking "I don't want to be disliked," only to find that they eventually distance themselves from you?
I used to be desperate to be a "good person" while constantly gauging others' moods.
I couldn't say NO, swallowed my own opinions, and gave the reactions I thought the other person wanted.
At first, people would say things like "You're so kind," "You're easy to talk to," or "You're very approachable," and I convinced myself that this was my value.
But as time passed, something would start to go wrong. The other person's attitude would turn cold, contact would decrease, and I'd feel like I was clearly being treated lightly.
"I'm working so hard, so why?" I thought. At the time, I was only counting how much I was accommodating the other person and how much I was enduring.
Looking back, I was in a contradictory state of "low self-esteem and high pride."
Unconsciously, I lacked confidence, so I was afraid of being disliked.
But at the same time, I couldn't stand my pride being hurt by the thought that "I'm working this hard, yet I'm not being recognized."
So I would accommodate them even more, while internally blaming them, thinking "I'm the one enduring this" or "I'm the one adjusting to you."
I understand it now.
It's a harsh truth, but "good people" who live by others' standards eventually end up being disliked.
To be precise, it's not so much being disliked as it is becoming "not respected," "not seen as an equal," and "looked down upon."
And what's even more brutal is that it's not the other person creating this situation—it's yourself.
Because you can't recognize your own value, you try to get others to recognize it.
However, that very posture of being other-oriented becomes the reason you aren't respected.
Why does this happen?
And what is different about people who are truly liked for a long time?
Today, I want to talk about the mechanism of being other-oriented and specific ways to break out of it.
"Convenience" and "Affection" are Completely Different Things
First, it's important to understand that the initial "liking" an other-oriented "good person" receives isn't actually affection.
What the other person feels for you is "convenience." (This applied to my past self as well.)
You don't disagree, you don't say troublesome things, and you don't disrupt their pace. In other words, you are recognized as an "easy-to-handle person," not as someone with human charm. This is a harsh reality, but one we must face.
I felt this acutely in my past romances and relationships. When I started dating someone, I would choose meals based on her preferences, prioritize her schedule, and never voice even minor complaints. She told me, "It's easy being with you." But that "easy" referred to the convenience of me accepting everything.
About six months in, her attitude clearly changed. She started canceling dates casually and listening to me half-heartedly. When I asked, "Have you been cold lately?" she'd reply, "It's just normal."
But it was clearly different from the beginning.
I didn't understand it then. But I do now.
She could no longer feel my "human weight" or a "sense of equality."
The "Lightness" Created by Relationships Lacking Equality
In human relationships, the "weight" a person feels is actually very important. It's not about being overbearing or acting superior; it's the sense that "this person has things they won't compromise on," "this person has a core," and "this person is self-oriented." They have their own opinions and values and can express them when necessary.
That kind of "certainty of existence" gives the other person a sense of security and creates respect, making them think, "I must treat this person with care."
But people living by others' standards lack this "weight."
By erasing yourself to accommodate others, you end up appearing like an "empty person" in their eyes.
Then what happens? The other person unconsciously begins to treat you lightly.
This isn't necessarily because the other person is bad. Humans are instinctively creatures that seek equal relationships. Relationships with people who unilaterally accommodate or have no opinions of their own eventually lead to a sense of suffocation or discomfort. "This person seems like a very good person, but what do they really think?" a sense of distrust also arises.
I once received a consultation from a reader. She was a woman in her thirties who always took on requests at work. She said, "I have a personality where I can't say no, and I feel like I'm being used conveniently by everyone."
At first, she was told she was "kind" and "reliable." But eventually, she was only given clearly troublesome tasks. Furthermore, people stopped thanking her and instead treated her as if it were "only natural" for her to do it.
This is a typical pattern. When you live by others' standards, "equality" and "weight" are lost. The other person unconsciously creates a hierarchy and looks "down" on you.
And in an unequal relationship, true respect and trust are never born.
The Weight of "Trust" Held by Self-Oriented People
Conversely, if you observe people who are liked for a long time, they have something in common.
It's that they "live by their own standards" (self-oriented).
Living by your own standards doesn't mean acting selfishly. It means recognizing your own values and emotions and being able to express them when necessary.
They can distinguish between when to accommodate others and when to state their own opinion.
For example, I have a friend like this. He is usually very kind and a good listener, but he can firmly say NO on points he won't compromise on.
Once, when a mutual acquaintance made an unreasonable request, he said:
"I understand how you feel, but I can't do that. However, I can think of another way together with you."
This way of refusing was impressive. He didn't reject the person, but he protected his own boundaries. On top of that, he tried to be helpful in another way. He respected both himself and the other person and handled it rationally. This is exactly what it means to live by your own standards.
People are always gathered around him.
But it's not because he's "convenient," it's because he's "trustworthy."
He has his own opinions and conveys them honestly. That's why his words have weight, and the joy when he says "That's good" is exceptional.
Here lies the essence of human relationships.
Decent people are not attracted to "convenient people who affirm everything," but to "people with a core who truly have themselves."
People with harassment or dependency tendencies will approach "people they can handle conveniently," but such people have no intention of building healthy, equal partnerships in the first place because they are looking to exploit the other person.
Having your own axis while being able to respect the other person—people who are balanced in that way are ultimately loved deeply and for a long time.
Continued here ↓
・For "other-oriented" people with low self-esteem and high pride to regain their self-axis
