36 Questions Created by a Psychologist That Made Total Strangers Fall in Love in 45 Minutes

There is an experiment where pairs of men and women who met for the first time conversed according to a specific list of questions.

The intimacy level after the experiment was clearly higher for the group that talked using that list compared to the group that just engaged in small talk. Some pairs even ended up getting married.

This is not a coincidence of good compatibility.

It is about a reproducible "order of disclosure" that anyone can use.

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Why did changing just the content of the questions close the distance between strangers? Let's break it down.

Psychologist Arthur Aron and his colleagues conducted an experiment where pairs of strangers took turns answering 36 questions.

"Pairs who engaged in tasks with progressively deeper self-disclosure had significantly higher post-experiment intimacy scores than pairs who just made small talk for the same amount of time."

*Source: Psychological research published by Aron et al. in 1997. Later introduced by The New York Times as "The 36 Questions That Lead to Love."

• There are 36 questions in total, taking about 45 minutes.
• The first half consists of light questions, designed so that the depth of self-disclosure increases in the second half.
• At the end of the experiment, separate from the conversation, a 4-minute period of staring silently into each other's eyes is provided.

This means that it wasn't the interesting nature of the conversation topics, but the very order of gradually increasing the depth of disclosure that created intimacy. This asymmetry is the starting point.

【The Full List of the 36 Questions Actually Used】

There is no point in talking about the order without knowing the content, so I will list all the questions actually used in the experiment exactly as they are. Please use them in order from top to bottom.

Set 1: 12 Light Questions

• Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
• Would you like to be famous? In what way?
• Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
• What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
• When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
• If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
• Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
• Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
• For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
• If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
• Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
• If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set 2: 12 Deeper Questions

• If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
• Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
• What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
• What do you value most in a friendship?
• What is your most treasured memory?
• What is your most terrible memory?
• If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
• What does friendship mean to you?
• What roles do love and affection play in your life?
• Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
• How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
• How do you feel about your relationship with your mother? - Set 3: 12 Deeply Personal Questions

• Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling...”
• Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share...”
• If you were to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for them to know.
• Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
• Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
• When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
• Tell your partner something that you already like about them.
• What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
• If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
• Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
• Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
• Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

After answering all 36 questions, stop talking and look into each other's eyes silently for 4 minutes. This completes the entire process of the experiment.

🔰 Another Fact Behind "We Can Get Along If We Have Things in Common" 🔰

As you can see from the list above, there are almost no questions exploring common hobbies. Set 1 has light questions like "who you want as a dinner guest," while Set 3 dives deep into "what you would regret not telling someone if you died tonight."

In other words, what worked was not having matching topics, but the order of increasing the weight of self-disclosure question by question. This primary data is the true nature of the structure pointed out in the title.

【Breaking Down Why These 36 Questions Work as a Procedure】

Here is the main point.

Why do results differ depending on whether you follow the order even with the same questions? There are three factors we can break down.

① Distance is closed by the "order of disclosure," not the "content of the conversation"

Many people think they can get along if they share common hobbies or topics.

This is half right and half wrong.

The part that commonalities serve as an entry point is correct, but the part that they alone make you intimate is wrong. This is because the 36 questions are arranged in an order that increases the depth of self-disclosure question by question from Set 1 to Set 3.

Why does this work?

When the other person shows a little vulnerability first, a psychological mechanism kicks in where you feel awkward unless you return the favor at the same depth. Question 8 in Set 1 (naming 3 commonalities) lightly closes the distance. Question 19 in Set 2 (what you would change if you died in a year) touches on values for the first time. Question 33 in Set 3 (what you haven't told someone if you died tonight) reaches the deepest part.

➡️ Practical methods you can use starting tomorrow:

• Use the 12 questions in Set 1 one by one without changing the order. Do not skip.
• Before moving to Set 2, make sure you have finished up to Question 8 of Set 1 (3 commonalities).
• For Set 3, answer first yourself before asking the same question back to the other person.

② Distance is closed by the "deep dives embedded in questions," not the "quantity of questions"

Many people think they can get along if they talk a lot about themselves.

This is half right and half wrong.

The part that self-disclosure itself is necessary is correct, but the part that quantity works is wrong. This is because many of the 36 questions have a deep dive of "why" already embedded in the question itself. Question 14 in Set 2 doesn't end with "what have you dreamed of doing," it asks "why haven't you done it." Question 3 in Set 1 also doesn't end with "do you rehearse," it asks "why."

Why does this work?

By being asked for the reason instead of ending with a superficial answer, the other person feels, "This person is truly listening." This realization remains in the memory more strongly than how interesting the talk was.

➡️ Practical methods you can use starting tomorrow:

• For questions with "why" (Nos. 3, 14, 19, 33, 35), do not move to the next question after hearing the answer; wait until the reason comes out.
• Answer the reason yourself first, then ask the same question back to the other person.
• Even if silence lasts for 2 seconds, do not interrupt; wait until the other person finishes explaining the reason.

③ Closing with "silence and eye contact," not just "words"

Many people think having a good conversation is enough.

This is half right and half wrong.

The part that the 36 questions serve as a foundation is correct, but the part that you can just end there is wrong. This is because at the end of the experiment, a separate 4-minute period of staring silently into each other's eyes is provided.

Why does this work?

When you insert a time for just eye contact after verbal self-disclosure is finished, you continue to process nothing but the other person's presence. The sensation of mixed tension and intimacy remains in the memory more strongly than the 36 questions themselves.

➡️ Practical methods you can use starting tomorrow:

• Immediately after finishing the 36 questions, intentionally create 1 minute of silence where you don't say anything.
• During that 1 minute, keep looking at the other person's face without looking at your smartphone.
• When breaking the silence, start with a one-word impression like "That time wasn't bad," rather than a question.

⚠️ Common Traits of People Who Fail to Close the Distance Upon First Meeting ⚠️

Conversely, we can see patterns where distance fails to close even when using the same 36 questions.

1. Using Set 3 from the start, asking heavy questions out of nowhere.
2. Moving to the next question right after hearing the answer without asking "why."
3. Asking the other person without answering first yourself.
4. Disbanding immediately after finishing all 36 questions without creating a moment of silence.
5. Touching the smartphone during the 1 minute of silence out of fear of the quietness.

Check to see if your conversations fall into these traps.

How to Proceed If You Move Today

The next time you have a chance to talk with someone one-on-one, use the questions from Set 1 above in order, one by one without skipping. For questions with "why" like No. 3 and No. 14, do not move forward until the reason comes out. After finishing up to Set 3, intentionally stay silent for just 1 minute and look at the other person without checking your phone.

With just this, the first 45 minutes of a meeting will anticipate the distance that would take months to close with other people. This is because it is not a practice to "become good at talking," but simply a task of following the "order of disclosure."

What is needed is not to hone your speaking skills.

It is a design that protects the order of the 36 questions and the placement of pauses afterward.

P.S.

Closing the distance with people was not about the amount of conversation content, but the order of disclosure and the placement of pauses. That is all this article is about.

And the same principle works exactly as it is in writing. Content that moves the reader's heart does not start with heavy stories. By entering from light empathy and placing deep, honest thoughts in the second half, the way the same content hits changes completely depending on the order.

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Finally

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