My friend came over yesterday and I could tell something was wrong.
- his mom has a scary health issue
- his own health has felt off for months (docs keep saying 'everything looks fine', but it's not)
- wife is panicking googling his symptoms and seeing scary stuff
On top of that, he felt like he was underperforming at work.
None of these things, by themselves, were crushing. But all of them at once? Overwhelmed.
And hte worst part of feeling overwhelmed isn't the feeling. it's feeling ashamed for feeling that way.
Today, I sent him this email:
Hey man—
I’ve been thinking about our conversation. There are three things I want you to remember.
1. Remember: life is seasonal.
When you’re in a bad season, your brain does this funny thing where it assumes, This is just life now.
It isn’t.
You’ve had seasons where everything was clicking. You’ve also had storms that, at the time, felt like they’d never end. But they did. This one will too.
2. Remember: there’s only one decision to make.
When you have 1,000 things hitting you at once, it’s easy to get overwhelmed and overthink it. In reality, you only have 1 decision to make:
Am I going to have a common reaction or uncommon response?
“Reactions” are automatic. Impulsive.
“Responses” are choices. You get to choose how you respond to the situation.
When we’re in the gym lifting - those last 2 reps when our arms are shaking, there’s a reaction of “sh*t this is hard” and so you break form and rush it.
But the response is to choose poise. Deep breath. Remind yourself these last few reps are where all the gains happen. So you slow down and finish strong.
Most guys in your position will have a common reaction:
You feel overwhelmed, then you feel sorry for yourself. You start avoiding the things you know you need to do, then you feel guilty because you’re avoiding them, which makes you even more overwhelmed. Round and round you go.
You don’t need to have perfect responses 100% of the time. But if you can switch from a ‘common reaction’ to an ‘uncommon response’ 50-75% of the time, that changes everything.
Life is either happening to you or for you.
3. Remember: control the controllables.
The serenity prayer says:
*Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.*
A lot of your suffering right now is coming from trying to play God. You want to control your mom’s health, your health, your wife’s anxiety, what happens at work, and how everyone feels about all of it.
You can’t. That’s not your job.
Your job is to control the controllables: your actions. Fly back home. Show up with a cheerful attitude. Make the appointments with the doctors. Get good sleep.
Control what you can control. Everything else you either let go of, or get dragged by.
This experience is happening whether you like it or not. You’re going through the tunnel. The question isn’t whether you go through it. The question is how you go through it.
Go through it well.
—shaan
P.S. go for a run
I don’t have great ideas when I’m depressed.
The first thing to do is change your state of mind. The fastest way to do that is an intense physical thing.
Go sprint. Do pushups. Take a freezing shower. Get outside.
Change the body first, then think.
And when you come up with one good thing to do, do it immediately. Action creates momentum, and momentum makes the next action easier.
