People who are other-oriented are in a state of "low self-esteem and high pride."
Have you ever had the experience where, despite interacting with people while thinking "I don't want to be disliked," you ultimately end up being distanced? Such an experience, do you have it?
I, too, was once desperate to be a "nice person" while constantly gauging the other person's mood.
I couldn't say NO, swallowed my own opinions, and gave the reactions the other person wanted.
At first, I was told things like "You're so kind," "You're easy to talk to," and "You're very approachable," and I convinced myself that this was my value.
But as time passed, something started to go wrong. The other person's attitude became cold, contact decreased, and I felt like I was clearly being treated lightly.
I thought, "Why, when I'm working so hard?" At the time, I was only counting how much I was accommodating the other person and how much I was enduring.
Looking back, I was in a contradictory state of "low self-esteem and high pride."
Unconsciously, because I lacked confidence, I was afraid of being disliked.
But at the same time, I couldn't stand my pride being hurt by the thought, "I'm working this hard, yet I'm not being recognized."
So I accommodated the other person even more, but in my heart, I blamed them, thinking, "I'm the one enduring more," or "I'm the one accommodating you."
I understand it now.
It's a cruel truth, but "nice people who are other-oriented" end up being disliked.
To be precise, rather than being disliked, they end up in a state of being "not respected," "not seen as equals," and "looked down upon."
And what's even more cruel is that the person creating this situation isn't the other party, but yourself.
Because you can't recognize your own value, you try to get the other person to recognize it.
However, that very posture of being other-oriented becomes the reason you aren't respected by the other person.
Why does this happen?
And what is different about people who continue to be truly liked?
Today, I want to talk about the mechanism of being other-oriented and specific ways to break out of it.
"Convenience" and "Affection" are Completely Different Things
First, it's important to understand that the initial favor an "other-oriented nice person" receives isn't actually affection.
What the other person feels for you is "convenience." (This applied to my past self as well.)
You don't contradict them, you don't say troublesome things, and you don't disrupt their pace. In other words, you are recognized as an "easy-to-handle person," not because they feel charm in you as a human being. This is a harsh reality, but one that must be faced.
I have felt this acutely in my past romances and relationships. When I started dating someone, I chose meals according to their preference, prioritized their schedule, and didn't voice even minor dissatisfactions. She told me, "It's easy being with you." But that "easy" referred to the convenience of me accepting everything.
About six months later, her attitude clearly changed. She started canceling dates without a second thought and listened to my stories half-heartedly. When I asked, "Haven't you been cold lately?" she replied, "It's just normal."
But it was clearly different from the beginning.
I didn't understand it then. But I do now.
She could no longer feel "human weight" or a "sense of equality" from me.
The "Lightness" Created by Relationships That Have Lost Equality
In human relationships, the "weight" the other person feels is actually very important. It's not about being intimidating or having an arrogant attitude; it's the sense that "this person has things they won't compromise on," "this person has a core," and "this person is self-oriented." It means having your own opinions and values and being able to express them when necessary.
That kind of "certainty of existence" gives the other person a sense of security and creates respect, making them think, "I must treat this person carefully."
But people living with an other-oriented axis lack this "weight."
Because they erase themselves by accommodating the other person, they appear to the other person as an "empty person."
Then what happens? The other person unconsciously begins to treat you lightly.
This isn't necessarily because the other person is bad. Humans are creatures that instinctively seek equal relationships. Relationships with people who unilaterally accommodate, have no opinions, or are other-oriented eventually lead to a sense of suffocation or discomfort. A distrust also arises: "This person seems like a very nice person, but what do they really think?"
I once received a consultation from a reader. She was a woman in her thirties who always took on requests at work. She said, "I have a personality where I can't say no, and I feel like I'm being used conveniently by everyone."
At first, she was told she was a "kind person" and "reliable." But eventually, she was clearly given only the troublesome tasks. Moreover, she was no longer thanked; rather, she was treated as if it were "natural" for her to do it.
This is a typical pattern. When you live with an other-oriented axis, "equality" and "weight" are lost between you and the other person. The other person unconsciously creates a hierarchy and begins to look "down" on you.
And in relationships that aren't equal, neither true respect nor trust is born.
The Weight of "Trust" Held by Self-Oriented People
Conversely, if you observe people who continue to be liked for a long time, they have something in common.
It is that they "live with a self-axis."
Living with a self-axis doesn't mean acting selfishly. It means properly recognizing your own values and emotions and being able to express them when necessary.
They can distinguish between when they should accommodate the other person and when they should state their own opinion.
For example, I have a friend like this. He is usually very kind and a good listener, but he is someone who can say NO clearly on points he won't compromise on.
Once, when a mutual acquaintance made an unreasonable request, he said this:
"I understand how you feel, but I can't do that. However, we can think of another way together."
This way of refusing was impressive. He didn't reject the person, but he protected his own boundaries. On top of that, he tried to be helpful in another way. He respected both himself and the other person and dealt with it rationally. This is exactly what it means to live with a self-axis.
People always gather around him.
But it's not because he's "convenient," it's because he's "trustworthy."
He has his own opinions and conveys them honestly. That's why his words have weight, and the joy when he says "That's good" is exceptional.
Here lies the essence of human relationships.
Decent people are attracted not to "convenient people who affirm everything," but to "people with a core who properly have themselves."
People with harassment-prone or dependent personalities will approach "people who can be handled conveniently," but such people intend to exploit the other party from the start and have no intention of building a healthy, equal partnership.
While having your own axis, you can also respect the other person. Such balanced people are, as a result, loved deeply for a long time.
Continued here ↓
・For other-oriented people with low self-esteem and high pride to regain their self-axis
