A Remark Heard at the Park
My 5-year-old son was playing on the monkey bars at the park.
An elementary school-aged boy came over and tried the same thing.
However, that boy couldn't do it very well.
Seeing this, my son said:
"You can't do it even though you're in elementary school?
I'm only 5 and I can do it!"
Honestly, my first reaction was, "Don't say things like that."
I felt embarrassed and sorry for the other child and his parents.
But the next moment, it hit me.
Wait, those are the same words I've been using with my son.
I Just Wanted to Motivate Him
My son is exceptionally competitive and tends to avoid things he lacks confidence in from the start.
I wanted him to try, even if he failed.
But even if I simply said, "Let's try it," he wouldn't budge.
One day, when my son managed to do the monkey bars a little, I said:
"Wow, it's amazing that you can do that even though you're only 5!"
He was so happy that he started trying again and again.
From then on, when I wanted him to challenge himself, I started using slightly provocative phrases in a joking way:
"You're only 5, so you probably can't do this yet, right?"
My son would even say:
"Daddy, tell me 'You can't do this!'"
He wanted to show me his greatness.
He wanted to show off what he could do.
It became like a signal between parent and child to flip his motivation switch.
In fact, it was effective.
He got much better at the monkey bars and started challenging himself with other things more often.
I Didn't Intend to Encourage Comparison
Of course, I never intended to encourage him to compare himself with others.
I thought I was avoiding phrases like:
"You're amazing because you're better than so-and-so."
"You're great because you're more skilled than other kids."
I purely wanted him to value:
The joy of succeeding.
The frustration of failing.
The desire to try one more time.
That's why that one remark at the park scared me a little.
Perhaps My Words Were Taking on a Different Meaning
I'm not concluding that my son has truly adopted "standing above others" as a core value.
At age 5, it's a phase where children naturally want to show others what they can do.
"Look!"
"I did it!"
"Aren't I great?"
I think it's natural for those feelings to come out.
However, what gave me a sense of crisis was the realization that even if I didn't intend to teach it directly, the words we repeated as parent and child might have started taking on a different meaning within him.
"I can do it despite my age."
"I did it even though people thought I couldn't."
"I can do it while others can't."
I might have inadvertently nudged his sense of joy toward those directions.
What Kind of Values Do Our Words Leave Behind?
As parents, there are many situations where we want to get our children to act.
We want them to get dressed.
We want them to clean up.
We want them to try new things.
We want them to try again without giving up.
To achieve that, we get creative with our words.
What this made me think about was whether the act of making the child move had become the goal itself.
He became able to do the monkey bars.
He started trying many times even after failing.
Looking only at the results, these seem like positive changes.
But what meaning do those words leave behind inside the child?
Maybe we have to think that far ahead.
Of course, I don't want to completely deny the feeling of "wanting to be better than others."
The desire not to lose can sometimes become a strength.
But casual words used with good intentions might remain as unexpected values within a child.
I felt a bit of fear in that.
What kind of values do the words we use to motivate our children leave behind?
My son's remark made me want to think deeply about that.
