In women's communities, "how to spot an emotionally abusive man" is a frequent topic of discussion.
However, it's not often discussed from a male perspective.
The internal logic of the male side.
How they appear within male-to-male relationships.
What signs of a "dangerous man" are visible from the perspective of the same sex.
If we can verbalize these points, I believe the clarity on emotionally abusive men will increase significantly.
And I hope that even one less woman will have to cry because of an emotionally abusive man.
Having grown up surrounded by such men, I want to write about the characteristics of "men you should never marry."
① They don't know the richness of doing nothing
At the core of an emotionally abusive man's heart, there is almost always this feeling:
"I have no value."
Because of this, they try to maintain their sense of worth by controlling others, looking down on people, or flaunting their achievements.
As a result, they cannot truly enjoy time that doesn't lead to work results or social recognition.
Originally, relationships between people grow in the "blank space" of time where there are no plans.
Fooling around during idle time.
Talking about how delicious a meal is while eating slowly.
Walking without a purpose, looking at the sunset, and thinking, "I'm glad I'm with you."
Relationships deepen in these kinds of moments.
But an emotionally abusive man cannot share this time.
They get irritated by lines.
They complain about traffic jams.
They make sarcastic remarks just because you're relaxing at home.
They deny the "blank space" by saying things like "What a waste of time," "This is meaningless," or "What are you doing?"
In short, because they cannot feel value in themselves when they are doing nothing, they cannot allow others to have idle time either.
This attitude eventually extends to their children.
A child staring into space.
Playing.
Doing meaningless things.
Just being spoiled.
They cannot tolerate such time.
As a result, the child cannot develop the human foundation of "I have value even if I do nothing."
② They cannot face people
In a marriage, it's impossible for no problems to ever occur.
Work.
Money.
Relatives.
Child-rearing.
Housework.
Health.
Anxiety about the future.
Every day, something happens.
What is needed each time is not a perfect answer.
It is the attitude of facing the person.
An emotionally abusive man runs away from this.
They brush it off.
They act like it never happened.
They use positivity as a shield, saying "We just have to live positively."
They dismiss it by saying "You're weak for worrying about such things."
They use "I'm busy with work" as an excuse.
They use these "plausible words" to escape from the problem.
What's even more troublesome is that they make the person trying to face the problem out to be the villain.
"That talk again?"
"You're persistent."
"You're heavy."
"You're always negative."
In this way, they substitute the problem that should be faced with the other person's personality flaws.
But what's truly important in marriage is not that problems don't occur.
It's whether or not you can face them when they do.
If you misjudge this, life after marriage will become quite painful.
③ They have no long-term close male friends
In male relationships, loyalty and humanity are highly regarded.
Even if someone seems fun on the surface or is socially successful, those who act dishonorably in long-term relationships are naturally excluded.
Making moves on women within the community.
Being loose with money.
Abandoning friends in trouble.
Using people.
Acting only for their own convenience.
Lying without hesitation.
Such people are not trusted in the long run.
Therefore,
Having a community they've belonged to for many years.
Having close friends who will rush to them if something happens.
Being cherished by old friends.
These are significant signs of reliability.
Conversely, having no place where they've stayed for long.
Having no one they can call a close friend.
All past relationships being severed.
Always badmouthing the people around them.
You should be careful of this.
An emotionally abusive man might be able to put on an act for women, but the cracks will show somewhere in male-to-male relationships.
Whether they are trusted by the same sex in the long term.
I think this is a very important point for spotting them.
④ They think they are always right
The most troublesome part of an emotionally abusive man is that they never take off the armor of "I am right."
It's not that they've judged themselves to be right as a result of a discussion.
They speak from the premise that "I am right" from the very beginning.
Therefore, they don't listen to the other person's opinion.
They don't look at reality.
They don't accept inconvenient facts.
They don't admit their mistakes.
And they take all of the other person's words as an "attack."
"I was denied."
"I was blamed."
"You made me the bad guy."
It becomes like this.
But in reality, the other person might just want to have a discussion.
This type sees the marital relationship not as "cooperation" but as "winning and losing."
I am right.
My wife is wrong.
My child is wrong.
The teacher is wrong.
Everyone else is wrong.
In this way, the home becomes like a courtroom.
What exists there is not respect or cooperation.
Hierarchy.
Dominance.
Victory and defeat.
Imposing one's own correctness.
Naturally, the home becomes a place where you cannot rest.
⑤ They cannot empathize
Emotionally abusive men disregard emotions.
"Decisions made without emotion are correct."
"Being logical is more correct."
"The one who cries is at fault."
"The one who gets angry is immature."
They often live with these values.
But fundamentally, the foundation of human relationships is emotion.
I was sad.
I was scared.
I was lonely.
I was angry.
I was happy.
I felt relieved.
By sharing these emotions, people connect.
Living with someone who has no empathy leaves your heart with nowhere to go.
No matter how much money you have.
No matter how grand a house you live in.
No matter how successful you look from the outside.
A home where emotions have nowhere to go is hell.
Even if you say "It was hard," you get a logical lecture back.
Even if you say "I'm lonely," you're treated as a nuisance.
Even if you say "I was scared," you're told you're weak.
Love cannot grow in such a place.
How to spot them
If you want to spot them before marriage, it's good to experience situations together where the other person loses their composure.
A trip that doesn't go as planned.
Traffic jams.
Lines.
Mountain climbing.
Camping.
Places with many first-time acquaintances.
Minor troubles.
A person's true nature comes out when they have no composure.
The important thing is whether they respect you when trouble occurs.
"Are you okay?"
"Shall we take a little break?"
"What should we do?"
"Let's think together."
If they can say this, you can feel safe.
Conversely,
"I didn't want to come to a place like this."
"It's your fault for bringing me here."
"I told you so."
"It's the worst because of you."
People who become like this are dangerous.
There are many people who are kind when they have composure.
But what you should really look at is whether they treat people poorly when they don't have composure.
When you still can't break up
If it's a partner you've been with for a long time, it's not easy to leave even if you feel something is wrong.
"But they have good points too."
"Maybe this time was just a fluke."
"Maybe they'll change after we get married."
"I have bad points too."
I think it's natural to want to think that way.
But please look at just one thing.
When you are with that person,
Are you able to be yourself?
Are you shrinking back?
Are you only looking at their mood?
Have you become unable to say what you really think?
Have you started to doubt your own emotions?
Has "Maybe I'm the one at fault" increased?
If so, that relationship might be quite dangerous.
Finally
Emotionally abusive men don't have the face of a villain from the start.
In fact, they can seem attractive at first.
Confident.
Reliable.
Capable at work.
Decisive.
Masculine.
But that's not what's truly important in marriage.
Can you enjoy idle time together?
Can you face problems when they occur?
Are they trusted by the same sex for a long time?
Can they admit their mistakes?
Can they empathize with emotions?
A person's essence comes out here.
I believe marriage is about sharing the blank spaces of life.
That's why you must not be with a man who destroys those blank spaces.
Relationships where your emotions are left behind.
Relationships where you shrink back.
Relationships where you keep blaming yourself.
Relationships where you can no longer laugh.
There is no happy married life there.
A man you must never marry is not a man who isn't perfect.
It is a man who cannot face people, cannot value emotions, and can only maintain himself by dominating others.
I want even one less woman to cry because of such a man.
That is why I wrote this article.
⬇️ How children of toxic parents can find happiness in healthy romance — separating "love" from "wanting to save"
https://note.com/renren_acx/n/n83b3fa1adb86
⬇️ The "Frog Phenomenon" (sudden loss of attraction) that occurs after marriage for children of toxic parents
