Last time, I wrote about how to praise someone without using words like "amazing" or "as expected," and it received more bookmarks than I imagined.
So, this time is the opposite.
It's about those "unnecessary words" that damage relationships even when the speaker has zero ill intent.
Words become unnecessary because you are subtly projecting your own sense of "correctness." What the other person wants is to feel "understood," not to be judged, compared, or given a solution.
So, how should you rephrase them? I've listed them by situation.
I've narrowed it down to common everyday scenarios, so please save this and refer back to it.
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Encouragement Edition
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When someone confesses they are anxious about tomorrow's presentation:
Instead of "Aren't you overthinking it?"
Try "The fact that you're anxious is proof that you're facing it seriously."
To someone dwelling on losing their earphones:
Instead of "Over something like that?"
Try "They were your favorites, so it's natural to feel down."
To a colleague dwelling on a boss's comment:
Instead of "You should just ignore it."
Try "That phrasing is bothersome. I think I'd be dwelling on it too."
To a friend who mentions work is exhausting:
Instead of "Everyone is the same."
Try "In your case, which part is the most exhausting?"
Words intended as encouragement often end up being a judgment that "your emotions are the wrong size." There is no such thing as a "correct size" for emotions.
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Logic Edition
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When a document comes back different from your instructions:
Instead of "You'd know if you just used common sense."
Try "Maybe my way of explaining it was hard to understand."
To a subordinate who was late reporting a trouble:
Instead of "You should have told me sooner."
Try "It must have been hard to bring up. Thanks for telling me."
When a consultation keeps going in circles:
Instead of "Ultimately, what are you trying to say?"
Try "Take your time. Which part is making you feel the most restless?"
When irritated by a partner's behavior:
Instead of "That's exactly your problem."
Try "What happened just now made me feel a little sad."
Words intended as logical often place all the "responsibility on the other person." But half the responsibility for a failure to communicate always lies with the speaker.
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Reconciliation Edition
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Actually, this is where relationships are broken the most.
When the other person falls silent:
Instead of "I'm sorry if my way of saying it was bad."
Try "Thinking back on it now, I hate how I acted. I'm sorry."
When a fight gets out of hand:
Instead of "Fine, fine, I was wrong."
Try "I'm sorry, I was being stubborn."
When the other person's face clouds over from teasing:
Instead of "It was just a joke."
Try "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have tried to pass that off as a joke."
Don't protect yourself while apologizing. People who can do this maintain long-lasting relationships.
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Unnecessary Words are Products of Omission
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Looking at these examples, I noticed something.
The rephrased versions are all a bit longer.
Yes, "unnecessary words" aren't actually about having too many words; they are about having too few. They hurt because you omit the process of receiving the other person's emotions and just throw a conclusion at them.
In my previous article on praising, I wrote that "the technique of praising is the technique of observation," and the conclusion here is the same.
Look at the person properly, receive what they say, and then respond.
We tend to omit this simple act most often with those closest to us.
Starting today, try to speak just one sentence longer. There will be times when the words don't come to mind, so please save this post for those moments.
...This article ended up being a bit long, too.
But I thought that's better than being insufficient.
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Yesterday's article is here.
https://x.com/nobu_u_uxx/status/2092355495109824612
For those who want to succeed in their careers... I post about communication skills, including "Junior Power." It's faster to boost your progress with charm than to fight with ability alone. Reaching the top quickly isn't just a dream.
Since I'm from Osaka, if I'm not careful, my articles will be full of Kansai dialect, so I'm holding back. Lol. It slips out sometimes, but please bear with me!!
See ya!
