When a promise is suddenly cancelled, you reply, "It's okay, don't worry about it." But in reality, you had cleared your schedule for that day.
You don't want to blame the other person. You just didn't want your own excitement and feelings to be treated as if they never existed.
In such moments, remember Setouchi Jakuchō's call to love yourself.
If you wish to be loved, cherish the self that holds this wish. This article uses Jakuchō's words as clues to explore how people who are loved navigate daily responses and interpersonal distances.
May someone who can devote themselves to others also find a place for their own feelings.
Don't Call Yourself "Someone Like Me"
Jakuchō stated in a Nippon Broadcasting System column that loving oneself leads to personal charm.
Encountering these words makes you want to pause the effort of adding something extra to become lovable. Before trying harder to be considerate, ask how you treat yourself right now.
In a dialogue published in Fujin Kōron, her secretary, Manao Seo, shared stories from when she had lost confidence.
Seo had declined job suggestions, saying she couldn't do them. Jakuchō reportedly admonished her, stating that using words to belittle oneself is disrespectful to the one and only you.
Jakuchō herself also recommended recognizing the charm within oneself, regardless of external trends.
I do not interpret this story as advice to like yourself only after becoming impressive. I want to read it as words that include your current, unconfident self from the start.
For example, if you tend to lower yourself in front of someone you have affection for.
You can list many strengths of the other person, but when it comes to yourself, you only count what you cannot do. In such situations, you don't need to finish that sentence.
Before considering if you are suitable for the other person, recall what kind of person you want to be.
You want to keep promises. You want to listen without interrupting.
These wishes do not gain value only on the day you are chosen by someone. They exist within you today, even before receiving a reply.
If you use the term "light of the soul," you don't want that light to be extinguished until someone shines upon it.
Even on days without confidence, do not refer to yourself carelessly. Keep that small respect for yourself.
Being told to acknowledge yourself might still leave parts you cannot immediately like. There are days you remember things you failed to say or times you agreed again.
You don't need to give yourself a passing grade for those selves either. While acknowledging what you didn't do well, avoid hating your entire self for one instance.
The self that feels lonely, the self that falls in love—these are not just flaws to fix before showing to others. They are parts of you that you bring along when becoming close with someone.
Include Yourself in Compassion
Jakuchō described imagining what others need and suffer as compassion, and ultimately, love.
Thinking about the other person's circumstances might be the kindness you have protected. There are days you swallow your words, assuming they must be busy or tired.
But is the other person the only one present?
There is someone who was looking forward to the promise. Someone waiting for a reply, unable to finalize their own plans.
Do not pretend you desire nothing only when that person is yourself.
If you accept Jakuchō's words on compassion into your life, look at what is happening to you alongside your imagination of the other person.
The other person having circumstances and you feeling lonely can coexist. It doesn't have to be a situation where one must erase the other.
For instance, suppose you are asked for help on a day you decided to rest. Even if you want to help, eliminating your rest until then will make tomorrow difficult for you.
In such cases, considering how much time you can actually offer is part of an honest response. Beyond answering "yes" and straining yourself, there are other ways to engage with the other person.
If you worry that valuing yourself means losing kindness, think of it as increasing the number of people you direct kindness toward by one.
You yourself are that one person.
Promises to yourself are often invisible to others, making them easy to postpone. The night you decided to sleep early, or the weekend you kept free for rest, might be unknown to anyone else.
Still, plans known to no one are not non-existent plans. Like appointments with others, you can choose whether to change them.
On days you truly want to help, you can change your own plans. There is no need to forbid that choice; reclaim your agency from a state where you can only silently offer yourself.
A person who always considered others' convenience protecting their own sleep time. A person who tried to notice others' fatigue admitting they want to rest today.
What exists there is a calm strength, different from losing interest in people.
Drinking warm tea where no one sees, resting during the time you wanted to rest. Do not let that time serve merely as compensation for days you felt unloved.
Your life continues on days romance goes well and days replies don't come. Treating that life carefully is separate from staging charm for the other person.
It is care you give to today's you, so you can live today.
I believe the kindness of someone who does not disappear while caring for others is beautiful.
Honest Feelings Are Not Words to Break Connections
Saying "I'm fine" first, even when you are actually troubled. If you have used that response to smooth over situations, speaking your true feelings requires courage.
You might fear being disliked. It might sound like you are blaming the other person.
You don't need to leap over that hesitation and suddenly become strong. Start by verifying what wasn't actually fine within yourself.
Was it the change in plans? Was the contact last-minute?
Was it that no one acknowledged your excitement?
Even for the same schedule change, what you want to convey differs. When you grasp the reason for your loneliness, choosing words for the other person becomes easier.
In the original scenario, you could use this sentence:
"I was looking forward to meeting, so it's disappointing, but I would be happy if you could let me know earlier next time plans change."
This is not a quote from Jakuchō, but a response devised here to apply her words to daily life.
Convey your hopes without judging the other person. Between shouting and staying silent, there is a place for words.
You cannot guarantee the other person will change once you speak. Therefore, observe their subsequent actions.
Will they notify you earlier for the next change? Will they consider another date together when they are unavailable?
Whether your words were received shouldn't be judged solely by a gentle immediate reply.
If nurturing connections, include time where both hopes can be spoken.
Rather than always agreeing, see how you face differences on days hopes diverge. That reveals the other person's character.
Even if there were days you couldn't speak your mind, do not use it as material to blame yourself. You can reread those unsaid feelings later.
Try saying your today's response once more in your heart. That too is a small beginning to connect with others without losing yourself.
Here, do not blame your past self for being treated roughly because you said "I'm fine." Your silence was never a valid reason for the other person to take promises lightly.
Crafting words to convey is to add your hopes to future relationships, not to shoulder sole responsibility for past events.
If answering on the spot is difficult, take time to think before responding. Waiting until you can speak calmly is also a choice you can make.
Receive Affection Without Turning It Into Debt
When accustomed to cherishing others, you may feel confused when cherished yourself.
If helped, you feel you must return the favor immediately. If praised, you feel you must deny it.
If you feel this way, try accepting what the other person gave you as is, just once.
After saying thank you, do not hastily add your flaws. Do not wrap even your relief solely in guilt.
Jakuchō's words about acknowledging your good points remind us of this scene too.
Not instantly canceling the parts the other person finds good, claiming they don't exist in you. This is different from presenting yourself as superior to everyone.
It means not blocking the destination of the affection currently directed at you.
When asking for help, you don't need to promise to bear everything alone from the start. If you are troubled, consider one part you can request.
Of course, the other person has their own circumstances. Being refused once does not define you as someone who should not rely on others.
Keep both the freedom to ask and the freedom to refuse. Then, gratitude when accepted can be conveyed in your own words.
Do not impose rules on yourself that you can only exist as the giver.
Connections should not be stages where one person must remain impressive.
On tired days, it is okay to be the receiver. On days with leeway, you can return what you can do.
Moving between these roles in human interaction is a closeness worth seeking.
Also, sense whether what the other person did was truly what you desired. Accepting kindness does not require pretending to be happy with whatever is offered.
Communicate what made you happy, consult on what troubles you. Do not conflate respecting others' affection with bending your own senses.
Do Not Give Your Worth to Fading Connections
Jakuchō also recommends naturally distancing yourself if you realize someone is not good for you.
Next to words about loving people lies the choice of leaving. I want to accept both together.
In romance or friendships, when you start speaking your hopes, previous dynamics may not continue.
Contact frequency changes. Scheduling methods change.
Do not conclude the other person exploited you, or your communication was wrong, based solely on these changes.
Look at whether they listen after you express trouble. Whether there is room to rethink together if issues persist.
If you are mocked when you speak. If you are the only one rearranging schedules every time plans change.
If such patterns continue, reconsider what you are offering to protect the connection.
Believing in the meaning of the encounter is not the same as enduring current suffering.
Even if an encounter feels like a lesson for the soul, you are not the only one deciding when the lesson ends. Choosing to return to your own life is a valid takeaway from that encounter.
Deciding to leave does not instantly erase loneliness. You may remember fun times or still want to meet.
Lingering feelings and returning to the same relationship are separate considerations.
You don't need to rewrite what you liked as hate. You can choose distance while acknowledging both good and hard times.
Remaining grateful to the other person does not mean you must stay close. Gratitude for help remains gratitude; current interactions are evaluated as current.
Whether someone new appears soon is unknown. Still, reclaiming your time has meaning before the next romance begins.
Resting on days you decided to rest. Not keeping weekends open solely to wait for replies.
Return such days to yourself. Beyond connections lie not just the next partner, but your future life.
Love Does Not Take Today's Partner for Granted
While discussing self-care, do not lock away your feelings of cherishing others.
In a Chichi magazine dialogue, Jakuchō spoke of ichigo ichie (one time, one meeting). Since you may not meet again after parting, cherish the person in front of you with all your heart.
Here, I want to emphasize not postponing current affection rather than fearing separation.
Are you failing to convey joy because you assume you'll meet again? Are you overlooking their consideration because it's routine?
Speaking honestly isn't just voicing complaints.
Making time to meet. Listening to your story until the end.
If you were happy, convey that feeling. Do not hold back assuming it should be understood without words.
Showing affection risks appearing as the one who likes more. In such games, you hide genuine joy.
Instead of staying silent to make them chase you, be someone who speaks their happiness in their own words.
However, expressing thanks does not obligate you to accept unreasonable requests next time.
Say "thank you" for joys. Say "today is difficult" for hardships.
In a relationship where both can be said, kind words won't become mere tools for pleasing the other.
During time together, look closely at the other person. Bring your feelings there too.
Valuing the connection before you means meeting without either of you disappearing, I believe.
Listen to Your Own Voice Before the Next "Okay"
Jakuchō believed humans are born to cherish their lives and seek their own happiness.
If you possess a compassionate heart, include your own life within that compassion.
You do not need to add conditions tonight to be worthy of love. First, leave one hope of yours in your next reply.
If you are about to say "okay" when you really aren't, pause briefly.
What am I disappointed about? How would I be helped next time?
Once you find answers, insert your specific situation into the suggested sentence. For schedules, ask for earlier notice; for rest, propose another day.
If you cannot speak yet, write it in a note for yourself. Do not make convincing the other person tonight's homework.
Once you understand your hope, end there for today.
Do not be ashamed of wishing to be loved. You do not need to erase yourself to fulfill that wish.
May the kindness you show in your next gentle reply reach you as well.
