There was someone at work I just couldn't handle.
They would casually say disparaging things. They would relentlessly blame others for mistakes while trying to cover up their own. They would interrupt without listening to the end and try to win over those around them with words that favored themselvesโafter interacting with that person, something inside me was always chipped away bit by bit.
"You shouldn't even think of someone like that as a human being."
A colleague told me that. Apparently, that's the kind of person they were. I wanted to be the kind of person who didn't even think about trying to fix the relationship, drew a boundary, and just focused on my own workโsomeone with that kind of resilient and flexible mindset.
But I couldn't become that way immediately, as much as I wanted to.
I have my own shortcomings too. There are times when I'm not considerate enough, or when my lack of words might have confused someone. I'm slow at my work, too.
Thinking that way, I lost track of whether I even had the right to judge the other person's behavior.
However, thinking calmly, there was probably no need to judge them in the first place.
I should just not care. It's fine to be disliked. It's just a professional relationship anywayโ
Even though I thought that over and over, I found myself pandering to that difficult person every day. I strove to keep them from getting into a bad mood and feared being disliked. I couldn't remain firm.
I had realized it myself all along.
People often tell me, "You're such a kind person," but that's not it. Being considerate and reading the room isn't because I don't want to hurt the other person.
It's not out of love or consideration; it's just risk management. It wasn't for the other person's sake, but an action to prevent myself from falling apart after being disliked.
What I was doing was taking out insurance to protect the "me who is disliked."
I fear the possibility of hostility. I could see clearly that if that situation arose, it would become difficult for me to even exist in the workplace.
So I continue to pander excessively. I just want to keep things peaceful. However, my heart continues to be terribly exhausted. There is no escape in either direction.
To dissolve relationship troubles, the idea of having the "courage to be disliked" often comes up.
But now I understand. There is an "order" to it.
What is needed before courage is a minimum level of trust in oneself: the belief that "even if I am disliked, I can still be myself."
What happens without self-trust?
Even if you try to "not care" about a difficult person at work, the fear, as if your survival is being threatened, will overwhelm you.
So, how can you come to believe that "even if I am disliked, I can still be myself"? And how can you work without feeling great stress in a workplace where there is a difficult person?
There is one thing I can say.
The feeling that "it's okay to be disliked" is not something you get through sheer grit or defiance. I believe it is something that is born for the first time by knowing how to move in accordance with the other person.
What does that mean?
If you face a difficult person without knowing how to deal with them, your consciousness inevitably focuses solely on the point that "I have to do this well." But when you acquire flexible ways of moving tailored to the type of person they are, things start to change little by little.
A moment should come when you realize it wasn't that the person was scary, but just that you didn't know how to handle them.
That realization turns into trust in yourself. I myself am accumulating trust in myself in that way.
From here, I will divide the "difficult people" often encountered in the workplace into the following five types and consider specific ways to face each of them.
- Overbearing type (strong voice, applies pressure, intimidates)
- Ignoring type (doesn't greet, doesn't reply, erases your existence)
- Persistent Critic type (blames in detail, brings up the past)
- Moody type (attitude changes depending on their mood)
- Mounting type (looks down on others, boasts, asserts superiority)
Knowing how to deal with them is not about manipulating the other person. It is about no longer being jerked around. And at the same time, it is about gradually teaching your body the sensation that "even if this person dislikes me, I can function properly."
The courage to be disliked is something you find you have, before you know it, at the end of accumulating these small experiences.
