"That person isn't bad, but they're just kind of annoying."
Where is the difference between those who are told this and those who aren't?
It's not a difference in ability. It's not about being a good or bad person. In fact, in many cases, the difference lies in "how one manages distance with others."
They aren't hated. But being with them is exhausting.
People who leave such an impression have certain things in common.
This time, I want to introduce three behaviors that annoying people do unconsciously.
This isn't about blaming anyone.
Rather, it's a story for self-reflection, to think, "I might be doing this too."
1: Switching to your own story without being asked
The first characteristic of an annoying person is unconsciously seizing control of the conversation.
The moment the other person starts talking, they switch to their own story with things like:
"That happened to me too."
"Actually, I..."
The person thinks they are empathizing.
However, the listener feels differently.
"In the end, they just wanted to talk about themselves."
Humans are creatures that want to be heard.
Therefore, satisfaction in a conversation is determined not by "how much you talked," but by "how much you were listened to."
Nevertheless, many people can't help but insert their own anecdotes.
The problem isn't talking about yourself.
The problem is the order.
Overwriting the other person's story before they finish talking.
The accumulation of this leads to the impression that "being with them is exhausting."
Try reflecting on your own conversations.
Does "I" or "Me" come up after the other person has finished talking?
Or is it in the middle?
That difference is larger than you might think.
2: Starting to give advice without being asked
The second is unsolicited advice.
Even though the other person just wanted to be heard, they offer solutions like:
"You should do it this way."
"If it were me, I'd do this."
The person says it out of kindness.
That's exactly why it's troublesome.
When people talk about their worries, they aren't necessarily looking for an answer.
Sometimes they just want to organize their feelings.
Sometimes they just want empathy.
However, people with an advice habit enter "problem-solving mode" before accepting the other person's emotions.
Then the other person feels:
"I wasn't understood."
The "correct" answer doesn't always save people.
In fact, a premature "correct" answer can sometimes silence people.
Advice itself isn't bad.
What's important is the timing.
Before giving advice, just asking:
"Do you just want me to listen?"
"Do you want an opinion?"
...can greatly change how the other person receives it.
People who are relied upon do not rush to find answers.
They prioritize understanding the other person first.
3: Appealing with "I want you to guess" through your whole body
The third is trying to move others through moodiness.
Sighing.
Giving cold replies.
Showing it blatantly in your attitude.
And yet, not saying the reason.
"I want you to guess"
That is the only message being sent.
However, from the perspective of those around them, this is a huge burden.
This is because the other person is forced to be considerate, thinking:
"Did I do something?"
"How should I interact with them?"
Whether at work or at home, the air becomes heavy just by having one moody person.
The person themselves might feel hurt.
But from the perspective of those around them, it's a state where the processing of emotions is being forced upon them.
Having emotions isn't bad.
Getting angry or feeling down is natural.
The problem is trying to convey it only through attitude instead of words.
Trustworthy people don't communicate through moodiness.
They convey what is necessary in words.
"I felt this way."
"I was concerned about this."
"I want you to do this."
That's how they try to solve things through conversation.
That's why being with them isn't exhausting.
Annoyance is born from the unconscious, not malice
I've listed three things so far.
Hijacking the conversation.
Forcing advice.
Trying to be understood through moodiness.
None of these are actions performed by "evil" people.
In fact, in many cases, they are done with good intentions.
That's why they are hard to notice.
And without noticing, the distance from others gradually increases.
The true nature of "annoyance" is not malice.
It is "placing yourself too much at the center."
I want my story to be heard.
I want to convey my correctness.
I want my feelings to be guessed.
When those feelings become too strong, a person unconsciously exhausts others.
Conversely, likable people are good at "subtraction."
Letting the other person talk.
Not giving an answer immediately.
Conveying emotions in words.
These are not special talents.
They are all things anyone can do starting today.
Listen to the other person until the end.
Take a breath before giving advice.
Convey things in words instead of expecting others to guess.
That small accumulation will greatly change the atmosphere of human relationships.
Finally, one last thing.
In the conversations you had today, who talked the most?
If it's always you, maybe you could try letting the other person take the lead for a bit.
