Signs of Depression I Missed Despite Normal Appetite and Sleep

My appetite was normal. I could sleep. Yet, my mind was on the verge of breaking.

Common signs of depression often cited include loss of appetite, insomnia, and inability to manage household chores—I experienced none of these at one point.

Because I was still maintaining a degree of daily routine, it was difficult for me to recognize my own condition.

At that time, what caused me the most distress was "the inability to communicate."

I found myself unable to reply to messages from friends, acquaintances, or family.

And as the most critical sign, "I became unable to perform Hou-Ren-Sou (reporting, contacting, consulting) at work."

It wasn't because I was being subjected to unreasonable demands from my boss or seniors.

While thinking "I should handle this much on my own," I gradually took on too much. There were people around me I could have relied on, but for some reason, I couldn't reach out. I felt I shouldn't take up their time with such trivial matters. If I couldn't do it perfectly, it would just be an excuse—that's how I thought.

Those days piled up like debt, slowly compressing my heart.

Looking back now, three functions had stopped in sequence.

First, the circuit for recognizing my own state broke down.

I no longer understood "what I couldn't do." I knew things weren't getting done, but I couldn't grasp the outline—what, how much, and why.

Next, the device for verbalizing it stopped working.

My head was filled with fog, and words wouldn't come. When I tried to write an email, sentences seemed to dissolve into mist. Even if there was someone nearby I could rely on, my thoughts wouldn't coalesce.

Finally, even the judgment that "I should ask for help" ceased to arise.

This was a very quiet and dangerous state.

If you lose your appetite or can't sleep, you notice it yourself.

But becoming unable to report or consult only led to self-loathing: "I am incompetent at work." Instead of seeing it as a sign, I processed it as a defect.

Moreover, this state is hard for others to see.

When my reporting and consulting stopped, I likely appeared to others as "a person who is doing fine and has no issues to discuss."

People speak up when problems arise. If no voice is raised, they assume there are no problems. That is a natural interpretation.

When you need help the most, you look like the person who needs it least. Unable to notice it myself, unnoticed by others—that was the true terror of this sign.

From this experience, I changed my mindset.

I stopped aiming to be "myself who can perform Hou-Ren-Sou."

I realized that no matter how conscious I tried to be, the version of me who hoards tasks thinking "I must do this alone" doesn't change easily.

Instead, I decided to create an environment premised on "myself who cannot perform Hou-Ren-Sou." That was far more realistic.

While my condition was somewhat stable, for example:

• I prepared standard phrases like "I have something to consult about"
• I explained my patterns of failing to report/consult to my boss in advance
• I asked a senior colleague to check on me if communication ceased
• I established regular 1-on-1 meetings as a space where I could talk without initiating contact

All of these are mechanisms to catch me even if I break down. They are also "connections" designed to ensure my silence is received by others not as "smooth sailing" but as a "sign that I need help."

It is important not to strive to be perfect, but to create an environment where an imperfect self can survive.

And if you can do this naturally, it's even better. You don't unilaterally burden others; you can build a win-win relationship where work flows smoothly.

[→ [Continued in note article] Specific breakthroughs for relying on people—even if you lack social skills or communication prowess](https://note.com/tsumugi_utatabi/n/nd5e8a3c2aabf